NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Kwasi Kwarteng says he’s so certain of the benefits of trickledown economics that he’ll ensure the economy is not just trickling down, but full-on plummeting. Besides, a £45billion black hole isn’t so bad – it’ll only be worth about $10,000 by this time next year.

Following last week’s turmoil which saw markets falling faster than a Putin critic from a window, the Chancellor moves to reassure the City that he fully understands bonds… ‘except for Sean Connery and that funny accent’.

But internationally, concerns that he will cause widespread destruction if he continues on his current course are so severe that Nasa is planning to fire a satellite into him.

TUESDAY

After being hit by a driving ban just days after organising the Queen’s funeral, the Duke of Norfolk says he’ll just have to get around on a gun carriage pulled by 142 Royal Navy sailors.

Following her racist comments, Labour’s Rupa Huq is told she is only ‘superficially’ an MP.

WEDNESDAY

After Jeremy Corbyn was spotted playing a video game in which you can kill Margaret Thatcher, Sir Keir Starmer is also seen taking on an unrealistic, glitchy avatar of the Iron Lady… at PMQs.

THURSDAY

The Royal Mint releases the designs for its first banknotes featuring King Charles, with two significant differences from the previous design. First the monarch is not wearing a crown, and secondly, the note is in longer worth the paper it is printed on.

Meanwhile, heraldry experts say the King’s new cypher is too big, as everyone knows the C.Rex should have small arms.

FRIDAY

Despite saying that he doesn’t want a statue of the Queen in Trafalgar Square, London Mayor Sadiq Khan says he will honour the Royal Family by erecting several effigies of Moby Dick there, and calling it the Plinth Of Whales.

SATURDAY

Vladimir Putin declares he will hold on to Sobolev, Dzyuba and Zobnin whatever the cost. They’re not Ukrainian regions – he’s just determined to maintain his Fantasy Football line-up.