NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

Remember you should have set your clocks back last night… ideally to just before Liz Truss took power.

MONDAY

Rishi Sunak says it’s an honour to ascend to the highest office in the land – but admits that to him, every office seems high.

After congratulating ‘Rashee Sanook’ on becoming Prime Minister, Joe Biden extends his good wishes to other members of the new Cabinet, including Mikhael Grove, Kenny Bad-Enough, Terry Coffin and Floella Benjamin – but thankfully the US President dozes off before he gets to Jeremy Hunt.

Jacob Rees-Mogg explains that he resigned from the Cabinet to spend more time with his nanny.

TUESDAY

Visitors to the gallery where anti-oil protesters threw potatoes at a Monet painting say they are impressed at how the eyes follow you around the room.

And following the revelation that a piece of modern art was hung upside down for 75 years, curators find huge numbers of abstract paintings that look better when displayed the other way around – facing the wall.

WEDNESDAY

As The Crown’s storylines get closer to the present day, Netflix reveals that the next series will largely revolve around members of the

Royal Family complaining about how fake The Crown is.

Meanwhile, viewers of another long-running TV series call for a new team of writers to fix its wildly improbable storylines, ridiculously frenetic pace and wooden, unlikeable characters, which they say has spoiled their enjoyment of The News.

THURSDAY

At the gates of Heaven, Red Bull founder Dietrich Mateschitz finally gets his wings, while in Hell, paedophile rocker Jerry Lee Lewis gets his great balls of fire.

FRIDAY

As the cost-of-living crisis leads to predictions of the £7 pint, Londoners look forward to the price cut.

After easyJet started marketing long holidays to Egypt that are cheaper than staying home to pay UK energy bills, customers are told to be wary of pyramid schemes.