NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking this week…

MONDAY

Ousted Cabinet Minister Sir Gavin Williamson continues to insist that he’s no bully and says that anyone who doesn’t agree will have their head held down the toilet bowl until they do.

Meanwhile, his tarantula Cronus seeks a post-Westminster career in I’m A Celebrity… but draws the line at sharing the screen with Matt Hancock.

Still in the jungle, the former Health Secretary is forced to endure a truly stomach-churning bushtucker trial: watching that CCTV footage of him fondling his lover during lockdown.

TUESDAY

Kwasi Kwarteng does another interview trying to distance himself from his disastrous miniBudget, saying all the blame lies with Liz Truss for hiring some idiot Chancellor.

The student banned from carrying eggs after throwing some at the King is rearrested – on suspicion of poaching.

WEDNESDAY

Parents boycott children’s books by David Walliams because the cruel comments he made off-screen on Britain’s Got Talent sully the image of the man who used to black up and mock the disabled, elderly and women.

THURSDAY

Chancellor Jeremy Hunt gives his long-awaited Autumn Statement, comprising only the guttural howl: ‘Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh.’

FRIDAY

Just Stop Oil protesters await the closing statements at COP27, saying they’ll be glued to their TVs.

Researchers who found that rats like to boogie say their favourite tracks include The Long And Winding Rodent and Mice,

Mice Baby.

SATURDAY

On the eve of the World Cup, another Qatari official brands homosexuality ‘against nature’ as he shows off the stadium that air-conditions the desert.