NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

The World Cup kicks off in Qatar and yet again England fans brace themselves to be devastated by penalties. Namely, the penalties for drinking, the penalties for homosexuality and the penalties for dressing immodestly. Meanwhile, the international community finally admits the Gulf state has gone too far in its barbaric human rights abuses, following the cruel move to force people to drink Bud Zero.

MONDAY

The Chancellor’s bleak Autumn Statement is examined in a new TV programme, Jeremy Hunt’s Fiscal Drag Race, which describes how his policies involve ‘drag’ as they’re dressed up to look much more attractive than they are.

TUESDAY

Donald Trump expands on his plans to put Americans on the Red Planet if he becomes President again, announcing that the colony will be called Marsa-Lago. Anyone going there faces an icy reception, social isolation and a toxic atmosphere – much the same as anyone working for his re-election campaign. Europe’s eggs supply shortage worsens, with experts conceding there’s not un oeuf for everyone.

WEDNESDAY

Elon Musk’s vow to spend less time on Twitter proves as successful as everyone else who’s ever made the same promise. A slice of cake from Charles and Camilla’s wedding goes under the hammer in Norfolk today. The old fruitcake is a bit dry – but he’s King now, so we really should rally around him.

THURSDAY

Woke academics trying to ‘decolonise’ the maths curriculum say they won’t stop until there’s no division.

FRIDAY

Civil servants start their mammoth campaign of strikes. Refusing to leave the house, and doing nothing constructive, is apparently proving too onerous for them, so they’re taking industrial action.

SATURDAY

The buyer who last week spent £185,000 on a pair of shoes once owned by Apple founder Steve Jobs now finds he has to fork out another £40,000 on compatible laces.