NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

Disappointment in Qatar after another political message overshadows the World Cup: that no one ever wins when the USA and England come together in the Middle East.

The final of I’m A Celebrity goes ahead despite an outbreak of Covid. Producers thank Matt Hancock for arranging masks for everyone, all for the bargain price of £4billion, even though they look suspiciously like palm leaves with rubber bands stapled to them.

MONDAY

Younger people are rejecting long-held fairy tales, like the one that says the Tories will fix the NHS or that Labour would be effective in tackling immigration.

TUESDAY

M&S bosses admit to being embarrassed that a tribunal ruled that they discriminated against an employee with dyslexia… but not half as embarrassed as every customer to whom she’d sent S&M underwear by mistake.

Meanwhile, the man who last week won the right to be boring at work wins a fight to retain his anonymity, and will continue to be referred to only as ‘Sir K’.

WEDNESDAY

Kanye West files the paperwork to run for US President, despite Republicans’ fear that he’ll split the ‘deranged bigoted lunatic’ vote that proved so crucial to Donald Trump.

THURSDAY

It’s December 1, and Britain’s Got Talent fans open the first door on their David Walliams advent calendar – so-called because its days are numbered.

Money-saving expert Martin Lewis warns against getting into massive debt for something that you’ll later regret buying. Like Manchester United.

FRIDAY

Naturists forced to cancel a pub dinner over fears they might distract passing drivers try to arrange an alternative date, with organiser Keith Hillier-Palmer asking everyone to suggest a time when they’ve got nothing on.

After wrapping up his last ever US tour, Elton John prepares for the European dates by rewriting some of his greatest hits to reflect the fact he’s now 75.

Fans can look forward to I Guess That’s Why They Call It A Cruise, Don’t Go Breaking My Hip and Saturday Night’s All Right For

All Creatures Great And Small And A Nice Warm Bath.