QUOTES of the week

‘Troll from Trondheim.’ Nickname for the Arctic cold snap that has been blowing in. ‘I had only one. A fat kid who said, “Hey, bud. Do you know where there are some Nazi books?”’ Author Stephen King shares his tale of woe after fellow writer Chelsea Banning complained that only two people attended her first book-signing event. ‘I have won this tournament eight times, please believe me.

Where do I get in?’

Roger Federer is forced to plead with security staff at Wimbledon when he tries to pop in unannounced for tea. ‘They were surprised that a ginger could land such a beautiful woman.’ Prince Harry reveals in his Netflix documentary how his family reacted when he began dating Meghan. ‘We know recollections may vary on this particular subject but my recollection is very much asked to do an interview, and do said interview.’

Mishal Husain responds after the Duchess of Sussex branded her 2017 engagement interview ‘an orchestrated reality show’. ‘To impose this policy during what is likely to be one of the worst recessions on record is economically illiterate and staggeringly self-defeating.’

Sir James Dyson condemns plans to give new employees the immediate right to work from home. ‘Well, don’t give up your day job.’

The Countess of Wessex to Frank Skinner after he sang Three Lions while feeling under the weather. ‘Dearest Students.

I don’t want to hear a single word of complaint from you EVER about ANYTHING.’ Sheffield Hallam University lecturer Dr Peter Olusoga, who tweeted a picture of his empty lecture hall after no one turned up. ‘Job done.

Promise complete.’

Charlotte Charles outside the Old Bailey after US spy Anne Sacoolas was sentenced for causing the death of her son Harry Dunn by careless driving.