QUOTES of the week

‘Gwynnocent.’

Trending social media hashtag

after actress Gwyneth Paltrow was found not to have been at fault for a skiing incident in 2016. ‘There was much excitement in the family WhatsApp group at the prospect of an Indian and a Pakistani bringing about the partition of Britain.’ Professor Anand Menon, of King’s College London, tweets about the elections of Rishi Sunak and new First Minister Humza Yousaf. ‘We are lucky we have wee round faces because there are no wrinkles on a balloon.’

Eamonn Holmes’s rather backhanded compliment to fellow broadcaster Lorraine Kelly. ‘It’s a new day, it’s a new dawn, it’s a new life…’ Trinny Woodall’s cryptic tweet references Nina Simone’s Feeling Good, amid rumours she has split from partner Charles Saatchi. ‘At Cilla’s funeral

Bishop Tom gave you ten Hail Marys and three Our Fathers as penance after your eulogy.’

Carol Vorderman shares an anecdote about Paul O’Grady, who died suddenly last week aged 67. ‘I wasn’t gonna go to Amsterdam but now they’ve highlighted what’s on offer maybe I will.’

Twitter user responds to a campaign aimed at discouraging young British men from sex-andbooze-filled visits to the city. ‘It does rankle me that the shelves and bestseller lists are so jam-packed with books that don’t lift the level of literacy, but simply entertain.’ Novelist Anthony Horowitz criticises the success of celebrity authors such as David Walliams. ‘I’ve seen him naked. There’s no way he could be scarier with his clothes on.’

Porn star Stormy Daniels does not fear facing Donald Trump in court. The former President is accused of paying her hush money.