NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR irreverent look at the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Rishi Sunak unveils more details about his clampdown on nuisance tenants who disturb their neighbours with rowdy parties, saying they can’t ALL be subject to 11-month Privileges Committee hearings.

Donald Trump will not be put in handcuffs when he faces criminal charges tomorrow, New York police say, as they don’t have any small enough.

TUESDAY

The former President surrenders himself and is read his rights – but fails to acknowledge that he understands them. The phrase ‘right to remain silent’ is what baffles him.

After rewriting Agatha Christie’s books, woke warriors go after Bugs Bunny cartoons. From now on the prospector Yosemite Sam will holler: ‘There’s gold in them/their hills!’

WEDNESDAY

Experts who fear that artificial intelligence could become an all-powerful force capable of wiping out the Earth are reminded that a bot thought Jeremy Corbyn could have been an effective leader. Just how smart can it really be?

William Hill says it accepts the £19.2million fine over its catalogue of ‘alarming’ failures, then asks the regulator: ‘Double or quits? Toss you for it…’

THURSDAY

Amsterdam tourism chiefs wonder why their attempts to deter British tourists seeking prostitutes and sex shows is proving ineffective. ‘Our message is very clear and unambiguous,’ says one. ‘If you’re a stag party, we’ll show you the red light.’

FRIDAY

Gwyneth Paltrow says the skier who unsuccessfully sued her won’t lose a fortune in legal fees… he’ll just be ‘consciously uncoupled’ from it.

Guests at Heston Blumenthal’s third marriage report back on how much they loved the catering: the first time anyone’s enjoyed the food at Heston’s services.