NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

The Government spins the chaos at Dover as evidence that its ‘stop the boats’ policy is working.

TUESDAY

The first migrants to be housed in a barge off the Dorset coast get to use the gym for the first time… but say it’s taking the mickey that all they have are rowing machines.

Fury grows at impending red tape banning fat fishermen. Any trawlerman deemed too fat will have to dump their catch back into the sea, so it all depends where they tip the scales.

WEDNESDAY

Engineers unveiling Britain’s first driverless buses say they got the idea of an expensive vehicle careering dangerously around Scotland with no one at the wheel from the SNP.

After Richard Branson’s Virgin Orbit collapsed, business analysts write its Virgin Orbituary.

THURSDAY

The troubled Cineworld chain unveils details of how it hopes to raise the £1.85billion it needs to get out of bankruptcy, with accountants calculating that selling about 50 more extra-large boxes of popcorn will probably do it.

Men struggling with the equation that proved ‘maths is the new Viagra’ say it’s a very hard sum.

FRIDAY

As a movie about the Tetris video game impresses critics, the director says he cast Taron Egerton as he just fitted in… and after that, everything else fell into place. Former snooker champ Steve Davis says the secret to him becoming a top DJ is he always has the records perfectly cued up.

SATURDAY

After Samuel L. Jackson revealed himself to be a bingo fan with a surprise appearance at a game in Glasgow last week, Quentin Tarantino posts the uncut version of his most famous speech in Pulp Fiction: ‘And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. Fifty-three.’