NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

Millions of men say they’d have become feminists a lot sooner had they known it would mean they could start drinking at 11am.

MONDAY

Donald Trump reveals the ‘irrefutable evidence’ of his innocence on election fraud accusations – his charge sheet with ‘not guilty’ scrawled on it in Sharpie.

The thieves who stole priceless artefacts from the British Museum are urged to return them to their rightful owners: Greece, Nigeria, Ethiopia…

TUESDAY

Following more flip-flopping on trans rights, Sir Keir Starmer defends the right to self-identify his opinion without any checks on what he said last week.

And after banning trans women from competing in female tournaments, the World Chess

Federation also rules pawns can no longer become queens.

WEDNESDAY

The rouble collapses so much it is renamed the rubble.

THURSDAY

Ryanair defends its decision to charge an elderly couple £110 to print their boarding passes, saying it’ll barely cover the cost of the printer ink.

Spaniards unveil their latest wheeze to keep Brits off the beaches by reminding them there’s a chance they could run into Angela Rayner.

FRIDAY

Disney bosses insist they’ll barely change the songs in the new, politically correct version of Snow White – but the most famous line will now run: ‘Heigh-ho, it’s off to woke we go.’

The mathematicians who used complex game theory to figure out the fairest way to divide a cake present their findings in a pie chart.