NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
High street stores offer lastminute ‘back to school’ deals on such classroom essentials as hard hats, RSJ beams and acrow ceiling props.
The Government admits that after being neglected for years and liable to crumble catastrophically under the slightest hint of pressure, it was a mistake to send the Schools Minister Nick Gibb to face media interviews last week.
TUESDAY
After researchers recreated the ‘eternal scent’ of the balm used to mummify Egyptians 3,500 years ago, Sadiq Khan immediately rules the emissions are not Ulez-compliant.
WEDNESDAY
As a world-class violinist sues over a possibly career-ending injury at a London Pilates studio, people are urged to ensure they know the difference between Pilates and Callanetics. Callanetics is a system of exercise involving frequent repetition of small movements designed to improve muscle tone, whereas Pilates is the Roman governor of Judea who condemned Jesus to death.
The Government launches its long-expected consultation on licensing Botox providers. Nobody raises an eyebrow.
THURSDAY
Hundreds of birds rescued by the RSPB are spotted flying in tight circles, after the charity decided it only cared about the Left wing.
The 66-year-old woman setting the world of rap battles alight says she only discovered her talent after going into hospital for a hip hoperation.
FRIDAY
Shoppers asking Lidl staff where they can find power tools advertised by Arnold Schwarzenegger are told: ‘Aisle B, back.’