QUOTES of the week

‘One pint Willy.’ Mike Tindall’s nickname for Prince William, because he’s ‘not the best of drinkers’.

‘What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.’ Festive joke in one of this year’s Christmas crackers.

‘He must have left the kiln on.’ Social media wag after ceramicist Grayson Perry’s EDF energy bill jumped erroneously from £300 a month to £39,000.

‘I will treat myself to a kebab. Get myself some bottles of Coke and bottles of Fanta.’ Luke ‘The Nuke’ Littler, 16, after he became the youngest British player to win a match at the PDC World Darts Championship.

‘I will go and sleep in my room. You go sleep in your room. And we have the bedroom in the middle that we can convene in for our relations.’ Actress Cameron Diaz offers the secret to her happy marriage to rocker Benji Madden.

‘I don’t want to break your neck, sir. It might ruin the service.’ The Archbishop of Canterbury, to Charles after being urged to ‘jam’ the crown on his head during a Coronation rehearsal – as revealed in behind-thescenes footage last week.

‘I don’t work here. I’m just doing the news.’ BBC reporter Ben Boulos to a passer-by after being interrupted during a live broadcast from a market hall in Birmingham.

‘If the next scan says nothing’s working I might buzz off to Zurich.’ Dame Esther Rantzen, who has stage four lung cancer, admits she may choose to end her life at the assisted dying clinic Dignitas.

‘As a colleague put it, “a new Banksy is a bit like a new Robbie Williams single. They were a thing in about 2001. Now nobody cares.”’ Telegraph art critic Alex Diggins after the artist’s latest anti-war creation was stolen.