NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking in coming days…

TONIGHT

Drivers are warned to beware of tailgating Middlesbrough-born singers driving home for Christmas, so always check your Rea view mirror.

Father Christmas is hit by a massive bill as he flies over London, as flatulent reindeer aren’t ULEZ-compliant.

MONDAY

Christmas Day, and Baroness Mone denies personally benefitting from any of her presents.

Medics who warned that carelessly removing champagne corks can damage your eyes are proved right… as those who opened bubbly for a festive breakfast report double vision by teatime.

TUESDAY

At Sandringham, the King continues to show a sense of humour about his sausage fingers, dubbing them the biggest royal porkers since the last Omid Scobie book.

WEDNESDAY

Military experts slam Keir Starmer for knowing nothing about Army life despite ‘cosplaying’ in fatigues, asking: ‘What real soldier would wear camouflage to draw MORE attention to themself?’

THURSDAY

A week after a potato lorry shed its load on the M5, motorists are still warned about the dangers of getting a chip on their windscreen.

EDF apologises for sending artist Grayson Perry a £39,000 energy bill. The overblown, ridiculously made-up figure… says he forgives them.

FRIDAY

After Victoria Atkins insulted junior doctors by wrongly calling them ‘doctors in training’, union chiefs start calling her ‘a former Health Secretary in training’.

As he heads into election year, Joe Biden asks advisers how he can boost his appeal to young voters – which, from his point of view, is everyone.