Confessions of a light attendant

Secret rules that determine who gets stellar service on board – and who gets ‘accidentally’ hit by the trolley

INTRIGUED about what happens on the other side of the galley curtain on your holiday flight? Want to know why some passengers get five-star service (‘another gin for later, sir?’) and others get their elbows ‘accidentally’ bashed by each passing drinks trolley?

Then welcome to the secret world of flight attendants – and I should know because I used to be a member of the BA cabin crew.

Here are the secret codes, pet hates and top perks, plus what to do for better service and free fizz.

WE’RE WATCHING YOU

JUST remember that you’re being watched from the moment you step on board. ‘We checked you in and we check you out,’ says my former BA flight attendant colleague, Jennie Jordan, who now works for Virgin Atlantic. Gossip in the galley focuses on the best-looking or most charming, with crew keen to pick their ‘Bob’ (‘Best on Board’).

Earn Bob status and get a pleasant surprise. ‘If I say, “You left this in the galley, sir”, I’m probably giving my Bob a duty-free bag full of free fizz from up front,’ says Jennie.

Top tip to be a Bob? It’s about behaviour, not just looks. ‘If we need someone to move so a tricky family can sit together we’ll go the extra mile for anyone who helps,’ says BA crew member Neil Jackson.

WANT AN UPGRADE?

‘CAN you collect your bag and follow me?’ They’re the words to hear before being led through the curtain to a better cabin. But onboard upgrades are rare, even if you’re famous. Even VIPs are now overlooked in favour of big-spending CIPs (Commercially Important People). Often top travel agents’ computers select CIPs for better seats before boarding begins.

Once onboard few things swing an upgrade. ‘Claim it’s your birthday, honeymoon or you’ve got a bad leg and we can only offer an extra drink,’ says Neil. Nowadays even a broken TV screen may only get you vouchers off future flights.

BAD PASSENGERS

BEHAVE badly and crew can take revenge. They may all stumble and bang into the back of one seat as they walk by – particularly effective on night flights when the passenger is trying to sleep. Crew may hand a person a can of drink shaken in the galley and ready to explode. Or they may get shaky hands at key seats. ‘I’m trained to work in turbulence so if I spill something it’s on purpose,’ says Jennie.

FLYING COFFINS

NOT seen your favourite crew member for a while? They’re probably asleep in a coffin.

That’s because long-haul planes have crew rest quarters hidden behind ‘secret’ doors most passengers miss. Climb the ladder behind the door (often next to a toilet in economy) to find rows of bunks above the cabin ceiling.

After the first meal, half the crew take first break then swap with the others. But don’t be jealous as the bunks look like coffins and claustrophobic crew hate them.’

PARTY TIME

CONVENTIONAL wisdom says cabin crew party hard, and layover hotels do tend to be of a good standard – usually with pools and bars.

But Neil says the reality is less racy. ‘We’re permanently jetlagged so while young crew say, “What happens in layover hotels stays in layover hotels,” most of us just want to sleep.’

It’s also wrong to assume two crew who call each other ‘babe’ all flight are a couple.

‘Crews normally meet for the first time at the pre-flight briefing and never fly together again,’ says Neil.

‘I call everyone babe as I can never remember names.’