COMIC RELIEF
NEED SOME LOCKDOWN LAUGHS? MARION MCMULLEN ASKS THE PERFORMERS OFFERING YOU THE COMEDY CLUB EXPERIENCE AT HOME FOR THEIR ISOLATION SURVIVAL TIPS
COMEDIANS, cabaret stars and food experts instantly saw all their live stage work cancelled when the lockdown started. Faced with no income for the next several months, many decided to reach audiences by performing their shows on subscription-based website Onlyfans.com instead.
They are now offering everyone the chance to enjoy a show or a comedy club night out without leaving home. Here they pass on their top lockdown tips.
COMEDIAN ELEANOR CONWAY
IF you’re feeling lonely and unloved, order loads of c**p online so that by the time it arrives you’ve forgotten what it is.
Not only do you get to talk briefly to another human person when the delivery guy drops it off, it genuinely feels like a present from an admirer.
When you realise you don’t actually need a spatula, you can send it back and when the refund arrives it feels like someone has given you money.
Been doing that daily for eight weeks now.
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COMEDIAN YIANNI AGISILAOU
ACQUIRE an animal, subscribe to a livestream of an animal or otherwise become exposed to an animal of your choice whose blithe obliviousness to the chaos around us will soothe the lesions on your soul.
This does not mean bingewatching Tiger King!
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DRAG PERFORMER MIZZ KIMBERLEY
DURING the lockdown I think it’s important that we keep each other’s spirits up, so every
Thursday, when clapping for the
NHS, I step outside for five minutes in full glamour, which not only makes me feel better but gives my neighbours something to look forward to.
And if I’m out shopping for emergency essentials and someone starts to get too close, I hold out one hand and give them my full Diana Ross while saying, “Stop In The Name Of Love!”.
Yes, they think I’m crazy but it makes them step back.
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CABARET SINGER AND COMEDIAN DUSTY LIMITS
KEEP a routine, for example: 9am, get up and shower. 10am, do some writing or sketching etc.
12pm, crack open a bottle of sauvignon blanc.
This works for me. Also use a mantra to get you through the anxious moments like ‘This is Hell, for now’, or ‘Tomorrow is another day. Or is it?’
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DRAG PERFORMER SANDRA LONDON
DAY one of quarantine:
I’m going to take this opportunity to improve my health. Day 55 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons I’m eating a lasagne in the shower.
People who think it’s all over and that we should remove lockdown restrictions are like those people in the disaster movie who think the danger has passed, but we all know it’s not because we’re only 30 minutes into a 2hr 30m movie. So don’t be stupid and stay at home.
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JOJO BELLINI
REMEMBER. Every day is a
‘me day. Lockdown doesn’t need to be Netflix and sweatpants. Drink that prosecco, eat that chocolate and wear your best fetish gear to the shops!
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FOOD WRITER AND CHEF JONATHAN PHANG
I HAVE learned that I am a natural slob and lack motivation without purpose. Keeping a page-a-day diary, with a to do list has been really useful for giving me lockdown life structure.
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COMEDIAN RICHARD SANDLING
IF you feel productive or upbeat, don’t hate on yourself for it just because life is currently a Lovecraftian nightmare. Also, there’s no such thing as too much Toffifee.
■ onlyfans.com/ richardsandling