“Our ego loves to make comparisons but it doesn’t compare like with like. It often contrasts how we feel on the inside with how other people look on the outside”
Why is it that we are so hard on ourselves - and other women? In their new book, Gillian Anderson and Jennifer Nadel explore how we can transform criticism into compassion
‘‘Ever wondered why women can be our own harshest critics? And why for years society has pitted us against each other? It’s an unpleasant aspect of the female experience that has grown exponentially in recent times, alongside social media and its attendant pressures to look groomed, happy and successful all of the time.
But what if we stopped competing and shared our vulnerabilities, joining together to help make all our lives better instead? Award-winning actor Gillian Anderson and her friend of a decade, writer Jennifer Nadel, explore this idea in their new book WE: A
Manifesto for Women Everywhere. It’s a manual that encourages women to move forward psychologically, spiritually and practically, while reaching out to each other to find answers and effect change.
“We are so hard on ourselves,” says Gillian, speaking at the recent WOW – Women of the World festival at the Southbank Centre in London. “It’s really OK not to be perfect and to struggle. In pretty much every city that I have lived in, I have had a therapist. I don’t think I’d be alive today if I hadn’t started some sort of selfsearching early in my life.” She has “experienced a lot of loneliness in life in crowds” and yet “so much of my running and doing and scheduling is about being afraid to be with myself”.
A common theme she and Jennifer have noted, is that many of us are weighed down by the same stresses – from media representations of women making us feel like we’re not good enough, to hiding our real needs to please others. “We pass each other on the street,” says Gillian, “and we don’t reach out and figure out how we can make a difference in our own and other people’s lives. In my experience one the only things that combats loneliness is being of service and reaching out and seeing if there is somebody else worse off than I am. The other is meditation.”
It is their hope that WE could inspire a movement; that women might gather to discuss the topics raised, and be of service to one another when in need. “Ultimately what we hope will transpire is that women reach beyond their comfort zone – across different societal, cultural and racial divides,” says Gillian.
Here, in a passage from the book, they look at how we can transform our relationships, both with ourselves and others, by rejecting today’s egodominated culture and adopting a more humble and spiritual approach. Prepare to be motivated…
WHO WE ARE
We may believe that everyone is born equal, but how often do we actually act on that belief? Most of us spend a lot of our lives thinking we are superior or inferior to others. We’re constantly reading situations and trying to work out how we fit in. Who has the power? Who’s the smartest, the most attractive? Who’s the loser, or the one who’ll make us look like one?
Society, of course, actively encourages us to compare
and compete with others. We are conditioned to see ourselves as objects that have to be made worthy of selection – educated, groomed and honed to the max. We’re trained to rake over each other’s appearances and told how to get someone else’s look, wardrobe or lifestyle, feeding the lie that who we are isn’t enough. The woman on the magazine cover has always got the body or the job or the relationship that would complete our lives.
It’s all too easy to end up feeling as if other women are our rivals and that we’re all in competition with each other. That’s the work of our ego. Our ego cares deeply about how we look in relation to others. It wants us to be better than others but it’s scared that we’re actually worse. Like the critical parent we can never please, it makes us feel as though nothing we do or have is ever quite enough. When we compare ourselves with others, sooner or later we end up in despair. Our ego loves to make comparisons but most of the time it doesn’t even compare like with like. It usually contrasts how we feel on the inside with how other people look on the outside, and it makes no allowance for the fact that most people put up a front.
Thanks to social media, the opportunity to compare and despair is only ever a click away. We can instantly see what we haven’t got and the places we haven’t been invited to. We live with our faces pressed up against the virtual lives of friends and colleagues who seem to have exciting careers, luxurious holidays, immaculate children and so on, and wonder why our lives don’t match up. We forget that most people only post the good-news stories, the successes and sunrises, not the day-after-day struggles or the slog to pay the bills.
THE C WORDS
Generally, our ego has five really bad habits - all of which are culturally encouraged and all of which handily begin with the letter ‘C’: Comparing; Criticising; Complaining; Controlling and Competing. These attack thoughts are defence mechanisms, only they don’t work. They rob us of our peace of mind and set us apart from others. Each time we pick up one of the Toxic Cs we cloud our minds and our outlook.
In exchange for the five Toxic Cs, humility gives us three more powerful ones: Compassion, Cooperation and Connection. These three constructive Cs are important for both our wellbeing and the planet as a whole. They give us a new template of how to be in the world. The fact is, if we gain power and influence but use the system we’ve inherited, nothing will change.
Instead of seeing each other as rivals, humility asks us that we treat each woman we encounter as a potential ally and friend. Where we once might have compared and criticised, humility enables us to practise compassion, cooperation and connection.
Often it’s those with the biggest egos who have the lowest levels of self-esteem. They overcompensate with material possessions to make up for their lack of internal worth. But when we take care of our real self needs, the needs of our ego will diminish. There’s no taking trophies with us at the end of this life. Everything we hunger for now will turn to dust. So keep your focus on the good you can do and the lives you can touch today and then enjoy the freedom and love that practising humility brings.
Find the WE community at wewomeneverywhere.org. Taken from WE: A Manifesto for Women Everywhere by Gillian Anderson and Jennifer Nadel (Thorsons)
“Instead of seeing each other as rivals, what if we treat each woman we meet as a potential friend?”
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