How to bounce back

TREATING RESILIENCE NOT AS AN INNATE QUALITY, BUT AS A SKILL TO BE PRACTISED AND NURTURED, ALLOWS YOU TO MAKE LEMONADE WHENEVER LIFE THROWS YOU LEMONS

Resilience is something we hear talked about a lot at the moment. We admire people who demonstrate it, employers list it as one of their most desirable assets in workers, and the Finnish – who are revered for their consistently high happiness levels* – pride themselves on their own version of resilience, which they call sisu. But what exactly is it and how can we become more resilient?

Resilience is a combination of mental toughness and mental flexibility, says Sam Owen, author of

Resilient Me (Orion Spring). It’s that amazing skill that sees us pick ourselves up and carry on when the unexpected happens. An inner strength and determination that kicks in, whether that’s in the everyday stresses or when faced with life’s bigger setbacks. “Like bamboo bending in the wind rather than snapping, resilience allows us to bend and ultimately stay upright and intact rather than breaking and collapsing in the face of life’s challenges,” she says.

If there’s ever been a time to flex our resilience muscle, it’s now. “The world can feel like a tough place to live in,” says Julian Hall, founder of emotional resilience specialists Calm People. “The speed of change is picking up and our resilience is ever more challenged.” Amid a lot of change and uncertainty, there will be times when even the strongest of people feel overwhelmed. “When you’re feeling less resilient, challenges will overcome you emotionally. You might become fearful and anxious about the future, which can result in you either becoming inactive or taking action in the wrong direction,” says Sam Owen.

Building and maintaining resilience is something we can all do so that our reserve tanks are ready when we need them. The good news is the things that help are all positive and enjoyable things to do.

FOCUS ON TRUE FRIENDS

Having a support network is crucial when facing challenging times. Taking time to nurture your relationships – the ones that bring you joy and positive emotions, rather than the ones that make you feel down – will reap its rewards. And don’t think that commenting on somebody’s picture on Instagram is akin to having a conversation or taking time to actually meet somebody. “Make human contact in other ways than social media,” says Julian Hall. “Generally, if your emotional resilience isn’t that strong, social media is not a good place to spend your time. Essentially, you’re comparing the cutting-room clippings of your life with everybody else’s show reel.” So pick up the phone, don’t be tempted to cancel that night out because you’re tired or busy, and if you’re experiencing uncomfortable feelings, share them with those close to you. “Happiness can sometimes feel like the only acceptable emotion,” says Julian. “Yet we all feel sadness, fear, shame and hurt sometimes, and the strongest, most resilient people allow themselves to be vulnerable.”

FIND YOUR NATURAL STRENGTH

The Finnish word sisu refers to a mix of courage, resilience, grit and ‘guts’. In her new book Sisu:

The Finnish Art of Courage (Gaia), Joanna Nylund explains how the Finns’ close connection with the weather and nature has played a crucial role in forging the resilient nature of the people. “Living in Finland means living with sharp contrasts,” she says. “It is the extremes that rule our lives – from gritting our teeth and summoning our sisu at the approach of winter to celebrating the eagerly anticipated summer with a devotion to the sun that most closely resembles Celtic worship.”

After that long, hard winter, the Finns’ summer ritual is more about celebrating discomfort than luxury hotels or even glamping. In late June, the country collectively withdraws from everyday life and heads out into nature, spending a few weeks in a mökki (summer cabin). The cabin will have a fireplace and cooking facilities, but rarely central heating – and sometimes no electricity or running water. “Squatting by the lake to wash your dishes in cold water is so romantic!” says Nylund, who explains how their ancestors grew resilient through hardship. “We are modern people living in a modern world, but at heart we are still rural, and we love our sometimes harsh environment. It has given us our sisu.”

Nature is grounding, it teaches self-sufficiency and spending time in it boosts self-esteem. You don’t have to spend four weeks in a cabin – start by spending a bit of time outdoors every day, read and learn a little about the nature around you, dabble in being more selfsufficient by growing a few veg or salad leaves in your garden, spend a night under canvas, and go from there.

CULTIVATE HEALTHY HABITS

Life is stressful sometimes, but it’s how you cope with it that makes all the difference. In his resilience workshops, Julian Hall recommends adopting healthy habits such as writing down feelings, expressing gratitude, spending time outdoors, and getting enough sleep and exercise to increase both your physical and emotional strength. “Keeping a journal is a very private, reflective experience that really helps people to deal with uncomfortable emotions,” he says. “Try writing for up to 15 minutes a day in an unconscious stream, empty your mind and move on.” Gabrielle Treanor, a writer, teacher and worry specialist, stresses how important it is to be kind to yourself, from how you treat and talk to yourself, to getting enough sleep, and quietening your inner critic. Having some form of faith or spirituality, an acceptance of fate, or a form of belief or meaning, can help you to feel less overwhelmed by the world. “It doesn’t have to be a spiritual practice, just a way of decluttering your mind and centering yourself,” says Julian Hall. It might be through meditation, prayer, yoga or simply walking – whatever does it for you.

BE BRAVE AND CARRY ON

We all have our comfort zone and tend to spend most of our time within this space, doing things we’re familiar with and good at. But resilience grows when you allow yourself to step outside of it and challenge yourself. “Trying new things and being OK with getting things wrong makes it easier to cope when life throws you a curveball,” says Gabrielle Treanor. It’s not about pushing yourself so far out of your comfort zone that your stress levels soar and you feel anxious, but a low level of stress just outside of the zone – that relative unease and discomfort we feel when faced with a new demanding situation is what makes life interesting and dynamic. In sisu, bravery is being afraid but still carrying on. It’s likened to “having the strength to put one foot in front of the other, rather than the stamina to run up the mountain”.

“Trying new things and being OK with getting stuff wrong makes it easier to cope when life throws you a curveball”