Goodwill hunting
SHOW YOURSELF SOME KINDNESS BY MAKING TIME TO FIND YOUR OWN HAPPY PLACE THIS CHRISTMAS
Take a moment to pause, close your eyes and think about your happy place. Somewhere that makes you feel truly content and relaxed, a place where you can be yourself. It might be a comfy old armchair with a mug of tea and a paperback, or an afternoon in the kitchen cooking up a feast. Maybe it’s a misty morning bike ride or dressing up and dancing the night away.
When it comes to what makes us feel happy and content, we’re all different from each other. One person’s idea of bliss will drive another to distraction. Yet at this time of year, for some reason we all try to squeeze into the same mould to meet the expectations of what makes a ‘Happy Christmas’. As 2021 draws to a close there have been audible rumblings about how much simpler and more relaxing aspects of last Christmas turned out to be for many people because the usual rules didn’t apply. “Whatever your family traditions, you’re bound to have at some point felt the pressure that goes with it, the raised expectation and the heightened emotions,” says Emma Reed Turrell, psychotherapist and author of Please Yourself: How to Stop People-Pleasing and Transform the Way You Live (Fourth Estate).
Amidst all the shopping, socialising and stressing, it’s easy to overlook the rare gift that Christmas brings to most of us, which is the opportunity to have at least a few days off to do what you want. Before you say yes to that drinks party or agree to host the family for Christmas dinner again, Emma recommends taking a moment to think about last year. “See if you can remember what worked and what didn’t. If you can recognise that there are parts of Christmas that don’t work for you, why do them? Change can be difficult, and it can create conflict, but it can also herald the start of something great.” That change might be something as small as
“Launch new traditions – let them mould to you; don’t try and mould yourself to them”
replacing the turkey that you don’t like or dread cooking with something different. Or breaking the tradition of staying in your family home and booking a hotel instead. “If you hate highstakes, enforced-fun parties on New Year’s Eve, mark the new beginning in a way that’s right for you,” advises Emma. “Write in a journal or spend time in nature if that’s what fills you up.” One of the few benefits of last Christmas was that those who wanted to, didn’t need to feel guilty about battening down the hatches and spending time with their immediate family.
The key to finding your happy place this Christmas could be accepting and embracing imperfection. Andy Cope, an expert in positive psychology and author of The Happiness Revolution: A Manifesto for Living Your Best Life (Capstone), says it’s helpful to remind ourselves that “nothing lasts, nothing is finished and nothing is perfect,” a phrase that might help if you find it hard to stop buying, making and trying to create the picture perfect Christmas. “Life is about finding the special in the socalled ordinary,” he says. Whether your happy ordinary is sharing food and relaxed company with family or friends or having long dog walks on your own, Andy says it’s important to give yourself time and permission to do just that. And don’t feel the need to dress the dog in a Christmas jumper or invite half the street over for nibbles if that’s not what you enjoy. He also believes that most of us could benefit from doing less and being more. “Try to have a less busy Christmas,” he says. “Be present with the people you love and put your effort into your relationships rather than the material things.”
If Christmas feels more like a burden than a barrel of laughs for you, Emma says it might not be Christmas that’s the problem but the expectations you have of yourself that get in the way of what it really is, “just another (imperfect) day.” She says that if you’re prone to peoplepleasing, Christmas can present the ideal opportunity to demonstrate your talents, but it often falls short in reality. “If you recognise your underlying pleasing principles ahead of the
“Put your effort into your relationships rather than the material things.”
game then you’ll find a means to please yourself and get a result that feels right for you,” she says. If you feel stifled by other people’s expectations and traditions, this year could be an ideal time to launch some of your own, new traditions for who you are today and let them mould to you, rather than trying to mould yourself to them.
While most of us will have commitments we can’t – or wouldn’t want to – avoid, the chances are that with a bit of planning, you can also find some time for you and that happy place of yours.