THE BIG IDEA
So many wellbeing books, so little time. Our deconstruction of someone’s fresh thinking could send you in a new direction
In a nutshell
Do you like tearjerker movies, tragic drama, rainy days, melancholic music? This love or appreciation of sad and beautiful things is what author Susan Cain has experienced her whole life. She calls it ‘bittersweet’ and describes it as ‘a tendency to states of longing, poignancy and sorrow, an acute awareness of passing time and a curiously piercing joy at the beauty of the world… and the recognition that light and dark, birth and death – bitter and sweet – are forever paired.’
Why now?
The study of melancholy is nothing new – in ancient medicine, the human body was believed to contain four humours, or liquid substances, each relating to a different temperament: melancholic (sad), sanguine (happy), choleric (aggressive) and phlegmatic (calm). Hippocrates believed that the ideal person would enjoy a balance of all four, but most of us lean in one direction or another. Cain seeks to uncover the ‘mysterious property of melancholy’ in a society that is ‘organised around the sanguine and choleric’. And discover why many of us (herself included) are drawn to sad music.
But nobody wants to be sad, surely?
Indeed, most of us will try our utmost to avoid it, but we will all experience sorrow and grief and heartache. The problem, says Cain, is that ‘we prioritise happiness and are taught to scorn our own tears, judging ourselves for negative emotions like sadness and grief.’ And then when we face our own troubles, we are ‘blindsided’. If we allow ourselves to experience negative emotions, we find ourselves more equipped for the tough times.
What can we learn from bittersweet?
It can transform the way we create, the way we parent, lead, love, and the way we die, says Cain. It’ll help us be more compassionate with each other and ourselves. It can be good for people experiencing sadness, loss, or depression to accept negative emotions and show that they’re not alone in their sorrows. We can discover that ‘the place we suffer is the same place from which we care.’ It’s a useful antidote to modern life where we’re taught we should be tough, optimistic, and assertive.
And why do so many of us respond to sad music?
It’s something experts call The Paradox of Tragedy – why we sometimes welcome sorrow and spend the rest of our time trying to avoid it. Sad music is more likely to give us goosebumps. People whose favourite songs are happy listen to them on average 175 times, but those who favour bittersweet songs listen to them on average 800 times and report a deeper connection to the music.
Where do I start?
These exercises help cultivate compassion and humility and enable you to cope better with sorrow.
1. Bowing the head, as in yoga, meditation and prayer, stimulates the vagus nerve, linked to compassion.
2. Try writing down when someone showed you compassion, or you felt it. Notice when compassion comes easily and when you resist or dismiss suffering.
3. Take whatever pain you can’t get rid of and turn it into something else. Write, act, study, cook, dance, compose, dream up a new business, decorate… it’s about making your pain your creative offering.