BY CHAE C. STRATHIE
PICTURE the scene. You’ve just stepped from the train onto the platform at Glasgow Queen Street train station, wide eyed with anticipation and clutching your ticket to the Commonwealth Games rock, paper, scissors heats.
You’re unfamiliar with the city, coming as you do from the Far East – or Dundee, as it’s known – so you decide to ask a jovial man from whence you can catch a cab to the International Rock, Paper, Scissors Arena (located in the function room of a boozer in deepest Springburn).
“Greetings, my good man,” you bellow. “Would you be so kind as to point me in the direction of the nearest taxi rank?”
“Naeborrapalsowererr,” he replies with a nod of his bunnetted head towards the Dundas Street exit.
You give your ear a quick clean out with a finger and ask again, more clearly.
“AHSAIZSOWERERR!” the gent repeats in a voice that suggests you’re something of a dafty.
“I am sorry,” you say slowly and loudly, “I did not realise that you are not from this country. I will ask someone else. Enjoy your time in Scotland.”
“Achyeraffyerheidyabampot,” he sighs, shaking his head and heading off for a hauf-and-a-hauf.
And so ends a confusing conversation between a native Glaswegian and someone with absolutely no understanding of Weegese.
But if you want to avoid a similarly awkward situation, here’s a quick and handy guide to some of the words and phrases you may encounter on the streets of Scotland’s largest city during the Games. Clatty – Dirty, unclean, disgusting. Use: “Mind whit Paula Radcliffe did oan the side ay the road at yon marathon that time? Pure clatty, eh?” Dinghy – Ignore, snub. Use: “That Usain Bolt hud better no’ dinghy us or eez gettin’ a sausage supper right aff the napper*!” Doggin’ it – Not what you’re thinking. Definitely not. Refers to playing truant from school. Use: “I’m doggin’ it fae school ramorra* tae go an’ see the lawn bowls.” geein’ me the boak – Making one feel sick. Use: “The thoat ae daein’ this gymnastics final wi’ a bangin’ hangover is geein’ me the boak bytheway.” get it right roon ye – Take that! Use: “Ya dancer! Scotland’s won gold in the 100 meters! Get it right roon ye, Usain Bolt!” ginger – Fizzy juice. Use: “Haw! Mo Farah! Urr ye wantin’ a swally (see “Swally” below) oot ma boatle ae ginger tae keep ye gawn*?” haw you – Hey, you! Use: “Haw you, ya blootered* numpty*. Get doon aff that ping pong table! The gemme’s* aboot tae start!” hoaChin’ – Very busy. Use: “How come therr isnae any beach volleyball at the Commonwealth Games? That’s ayeways hoachin’ wi stoatirs*.” honnel – Handle. Use: “Ah cannae honnel this traffic ony mair. Ah’ve been sittin’ oan the M8 in the sun fur six oors an’ noo ah’m boufin’*!” SkelpeD – Hit, slapped. Use: “Ooyah! That pair wee diver pure skelped eez heid aff the board oan the way doon.” Swally – Swallow. Use: “Ah think the athletics wid be much mair fun if they aw hud a swally ae Bucky* afore they started.” SwatCh – Look, check. Use: “Gie’s a swatch ae yer tickets or yer no gettin’ in tae the rock, paper, scissors arena.” umnae – Am not. Use: “You’re wearing that new Team Scotland Commonwealth Games kilt whether you like it or not, sunshine.” “NO AH UMNAE!” wurny – Were not. Use: “Ah’m pretty sure ye wurny meant tae take a Jimmy Riddle* in the Commonwealth Pool when ye wur daein’ the 100 metres breaststroke.” *a guiDe to the guiDe Napper – head Ramorra – tomorrow Gawn – going Blootered – drrunk Numpty – fool Gemme – game Stoatir – beautiful woman Boufin’ – smelly, unpleasant Bucky – Buckfast Tonic Wine Jimmy Riddle – piddle