There’s soothing solitude in self-scan

SO it turns out the thin line between an ordered, civilised society and widespread looting and pillaging was Agnes the checkout lady.

How else can you explain the news that losses double when shops use self-service technology?

That nice lady manning the till is in fact the iron sentinel who helps keep at bay the compelling, criminal urge we all have to cram packets of Super Noodles down our trousers.

Just another reason to despise these machines, say the critics. Look at what they make us do, they cry.

But this is like blaming Fray Bentos for the obesity crisis, when in actual fact it’s those who gobble tinned pies for breakfast who probably shoulder the majority of the blame.

Let’s not blame petty thievery, then, on these unfairly maligned artificially intelligent cashiers.

Folk dislike them so much I’m beginning to think it’s rooted in fear, as if automated supermarkets are a worrying step on the road to making the robo-pocalypse depicted in The Terminator a terrifying reality.

But I do understand why folk would in the main rather wait in a queue and deal with a real human person than faff about with a handheld-scanner or an unfeeling robot checkout.

Unlike a real cashier they can’t look you in the eye. They don’t make small talk. In fact they tend to issue creepy, dispassionate orders at you like pitiless concentration camp guards.

Do what it asks, hiss the other customers, as you dither over how to charge yourself for a handful of loose grapes.

But I, for one, welcome our new computer overlords.

Admit it, there’s something exciting about scanning your own shopping. It’s probably why kids get awfully giddy around the self-service checkouts.

It puts a smile on the face of infants, and overgrown infants like me, who get deliriously happy when they make a machine go BEEP. Childish? Yes. Fun? Undoubtedly. BEEP! And then there are those days when the harsh grind of modern living leaves you dreading having to chat about something simple, like the weather.

There’s no shame in wanting a bit of solitude.

With a real cashier there’s actual pressure to put on a fake smile and gibber about the price of mince.

The cold indifference of a machine on such miserable days can actually be quite soothing.

In fact Lidl and Aldi should take note and introduce self-scan checkouts forthwith.

At the moment the German supermarket chains don’t bother with fancy technology or self-service checkouts at all. They train cashiers to ruthlessly scan items at something approaching the speed of light, leaving customers desperately stuffing their bags-for-life with the haste of someone packing up vital possessions ahead of an approaching hurricane.

Now THAT’S stressful.