Iwasaskednottodiscusswar withmygrandkidsbutifeel theyshouldbetoldthetruth

Dear Maggie

Last year my daughter-in-law asked me if I would be willing to pick up her two children from school a couple of days a week. It’s been lovely seeing more of my two grandchildren, who are eight and six.

Last week after school I was watching the evening news and the kids were playing in the background. I didn’t think they were listening but then my granddaughter appeared at my shoulder and asked about the images of refugees on screen. I explained about the Russian invasion and that the children were travelling to safety. She seemed happy enough with that and I thought nothing of it but a couple of days later my daughter-in-law pulled me aside. She said my graddaugthter is having bad dreams. She apparently said she was worried about the “bad guys” coming to get her in her sleep. My daughter-in-law said she would appreciate it if I didn’t talk to the kids about the war as it was upsetting them. I was taken aback by her comments. I apologised and said I wouldn’t mention it again. But since then I have thought about this and I feel angry my daughter-in-law doesn’t understand it’s important to tell children the truth not a pack of lies. Maggie says

I realise you feel upset at the criticism from your daughter-in-law. You were answering your granddaughter’s question honestly but a six years old perhaps just isn’t ready to understand what war means. It’s always difficult to work out just what children can cope with and what is too frightening. So you’ve done the right thing by agreeing not to discuss the war with them. If they have questions, suggest to her that they talk it over with mum and dad.

There’s no “set age” for knowing what a child can understand without anxiety. Parents and grandparents have to learn as they go along, just what every child is ready for when it comes to cold hard facts.

So don’t blame yourself. You were answering your granddaughter truthfully and now hopefully she will get over feeling anxious.

Dear Maggie

I have been happily married for 18 years but six months ago my husband changed jobs and is now working as a lawyer with a large legal firm. Since then I’ve noticed a change in him. Now he wears fashionable shirts to the office and looks much younger and smarter. He is socialising more with his colleagues after work and I’ve also noticed that if his mobile phone rings when he is at home, takes the call in another room.

Maybe I’m being suspicious for no reason but I can’t help wondering if he is involved with a woman.

Maggie saysi

understand you must feel anxious about the changes in your husband’s behaviour but hopefully this is down to the fact he has changed jobs and wants to make a fresh start in his career looking and feeling smarter..

So try to be calm, supportive and encourage him to look his best. This job is an important step forward for your husband. I hope your anxieties vanish and your relationship remains as supportive and loving as it has been for the past 18 years.