My husband was attentive and loving but that’ s changed. How ca ni rekindle our relationship?
Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum of four, gran of eight and dear friend to many, Margaret Clayton’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to
Dear Maggie
I am a married woman in my mid-70s. My and husband and I met and married after both losing our partners in our 50s.
When we first met he was attentive and loving. We bonded over our love of movies and wine tasting. He would often buy me flowers “just because” and never left home without telling me he loved me and giving me a peck on the cheek. When he came home from work, he’d greet me with a hug. Our love life was passionate too. In the last decade sex has gone off the boil but I felt that was part of growing old together and it was never an issue for me. But since lockdown I feel like he has completely withdrawn from me emotionally.
He never tells me he loves me any more. We used to have a cuddle in bed but these days he goes to bed long after I am sleeping. When I try to hug him he pulls away. When I see older couples walking hand in hand, I feel so envious. I have tried asking him if everything is ok but he gets annoyed and tells me to stop fussing. I am feeling more and more upset and lonely in our relationship. The thought has crossed my mind that he may have met someone else. He plays golf most days and goes hillwalking a lot. I have plenty of interests and friends but I’d give all that up to have my old husband back. Is
Maggie says
Your letter expressed how hurt you are by the change in your husband’s behaviour. I can understand you feel confused because of this. The man who was affectionate and caring has somehow lost his way and you are left wondering what has happened to cause this.
It could simply be he is anxious about something and is not ready yet to talk to you about it. Perhaps he has lost his selfconfidence, which sometimes happens as people age.
If he doesn’t want to be open about his feelings, pressuring him to talk may backfire. That doesn’t mean you can’t explain how you feel, though. I suggest you tell him you love him and you miss your cuddles and closeness you used to enjoy. Then I suggest you back off and let him try to work through his problems. He maybe needs a bit of time to himself and will come to you when he is ready.
If his behaviour is making you feel depressed you could talk to your doctor about it. It also helps to talk to your friends. You’d be surprised how many couples go through these pits and troughs. Knowing you are not alone will help you gain perspective.
As couples age, attitudes often change and there are times when one or other in the marriage feels lonely and misunderstood. Hopefully, both of you will be able to talk things through calmly together. It’s never too late to seek couples counselling. You can find someone local at www. relationships-scotland.org.uk.
You are a loving, caring wife and deserve a secure and safe relationship with the man you love dearly. So take things slowly. Talk things through gently. Keep an open mind and heart and if your husband isn’t willing to meet you halfway, let it go for a little while and then try again to reach him emotionally.
I hope you both find your way back to the loving and caring relationship you once had.
Are you struggling in these uncertain times? Contact Maggie for advice by emailing ps@sundaypost. com