Is it OK to lie to my divorced parents about where i’ ll be spending christmas day?

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum of four, gran of eight and dear friend to many, Margaret Clayton’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to

Dear Maggie It’s that time of year when we have to decide whose house to go to for Christmas Day. We usually alternate between my husband’s parents and mine but as my mum and dad are separated it makes things tricky.

Technically, it’s the turn of my in-laws but my mum wants us to come to hers because we missed her turn last year due to Covid. Really, we would rather stay at ours because we have just moved into a new home.

We would have invited all the parents over to ours for dinner but my parents don’t speak so I can’t have both over and I don’t want to leave one out! It’s a total headache. I feel stressed and resentful that we can’t just please ourselves.

So, I have suggested something a bit controversial to my husband: we lie and tell each of them that we are spending it with the other, but actually just have it at ours.

I know it sounds bad but at least we’d get to have a relaxed day with our children in our lovely new house. Do you think I should proceed with this plan? Or might it backfire? Is there another way?

Gail, Dumfries Maggie says

Christmas creates so many conflicts for families every year over the big question of which set of parents and in-laws we choose to spend the day with. We all know it’s so easy to offend someone by not doing what they expect of us.

I can understand why you would be tempted to please yourself but I think it would be a mistake to tell a lie about your plans. If they find out it would cause you more grief than a day with the in-laws.

Instead, why not decide to be completely honest with both sets of parents and say that this year you and your husband want to spend Christmas Day in your own home? Tell them they are all welcome to come around for a celebration drink and nibbles and to exchange gifts.

This way you can stagger when everyone arrives, so no one is left out but everyone gets a chance to spend quality time with you and your family while avoiding arguments. Then you and your husband can look forward to enjoying your own family day in your new home but won’t feel guilty.

I know it takes courage to say “No” to a kind invitation but for the sake of your husband, yourself and your children I think it would be the best decision.

Family is important, especially at this time of year and after everything we have gone through since Covid started but creating your own boundaries is so important too.

Giving in to other people’s expectations while sacrificing your own happiness just leads to resentment in the long run, which can then cause tension.

It’s tempting to stick your head in the sand when a difficult decision presents itself but I’d advise broaching the subject sooner rather than later. Then you can get on with the business of preparing – because looking forward to Christmas should be a happy time.

And who knows, it may become the start of a new tradition which everyone will welcome and enjoy in the years ahead?

I do hope you have a lovely time.