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Iam writing with what I fear may sound like a silly problem. I am in my 70s with a daughter in her early 40s. I am incredibly proud of her. She is a human rights lawyer and does really valuable work for those in need.
She married a lovely man (also a lawyer) five years ago. It was a beautiful wedding and her father and I were so excited to see her settling down. I had hoped that grandchildren would shortly follow but as yet there has been no news on that front.
The problem is that most of my friends are grandparents and I am feeling increasingly left out. Whenever we are out together, they share beautiful pictures of the new arrivals in their families and I feel green with envy.
Due to fertility issues, I was only ever able to have one daughter – and she came along after years of trying. I wonder if the lack of grandchildren compared to my friends is triggering long-buried feelings.
I dare not raise the subject with my daughter because it would feel like I’d be putting pressure on her – and who knows, maybe they are struggling to conceive.
But at the same time, not knowing is adding to my misery. Should I bring it up
Maggie says
Thank you for you letter. Despite your reservations about writing, I can assure you this is not a silly issue. Hopefully the opportunity will arise when you can raise your thoughts with your daughter without creating any problems but it’s best to be patient for a while, I think.
Your daughter has only been married for five years. Perhaps she and her husband have discussed the timing of when they want to have children and, as they both have careers they enjoy, see no reason to rush into pregnancy.
As a granny myself I can understand your impatience. Listening to your friends talking about their grandchildren must be hard when you so dearly want to be part of the “granny club”, and you clearly have the feeling that you’re missing out on something. Being a grandparent is a wonderful experience.
But it’s important not to make your daughter and her husband feel guilty about not yet giving you a grandson or granddaughter. Maybe they are struggling to conceive and, if so, that is a very private and personal issue.
Perhaps this is a subject that your daughter will decide to share with you in time, so why put her under any pressure right now?
Yes, it is triggering longburied feelings but thinking back to how you felt when you were struggling to conceive should help you understand the sensitivity of the issue.
So enjoy your daughter’s company, don’t put her under any pressure and just be thankful that she’s in a loving relationship with a great guy. If grandchildren do come along, it sounds like they’ll have amazing, loving parents
Who knows, someday you may be able to have the conversation you want with your daughter.
Be there for her, be strong and hopefully in time you will have the grandchild you long to have. Best wishes.