My daughter wants to go on a gap year despite college offer. How can I change her mind?
Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries
Dear Maggie
Our 17-yearold daughter finished school this summer and was lucky enough to get a place at teacher training college which has always been her dream. Then to our surprise she announced a few weeks ago that she and her best friend want to take a gap year out and go travelling abroad.
I simply don’t get it. She’s always been a sensible and sorted girl, so what on earth is she thinking about? Why throw away her plans for this crazy idea? I am so disappointed at her attitude. I’ve tried every way I can to get her to change her mind but she’s being very stubborn and unfortunately my husband is taking her side and says if it’s what she wants she should do it. I’m desperately worried that two attractive girls travelling on their own could be in danger. I know I’ll worry every single day she’s away from home. What can I do?
Maggie says
You need to accept the fact your daughter has a right to make her own decisions. She’s an intelligent girl, so trust her. She has thought this through carefully and in many ways she is better to do her travelling now and put her career plans on hold for a year. She will have lots of different life experiences during her gap year and chances are if she still wants
Dear Maggie
My best friend’s attitude to me has changed so much in the past few months. We’ve known each other for years but now there is a coolness between us. We always met every week for lunch, had a walk by the river and talked over everything – our children, hobbies, our lives – but in the now she’s cancelled a couple of lunches and when we talked last week she was very offhand. I don’t know what has happened to her. We’re both in our early 60s but I think she resents getting older. She’s joined several clubs and is always away hillclimbing or painting landscapes. It’s so unlike her. She was widowed three years ago and now she’s met a new man who is a bit younger than to be a teacher she can re-apply for college next year. Travelling not only broadens the mind, it is an educational experience. Organising, planning and funding it takes skill and determination. It helps young people to mature and to take responsibility for themselves. No more home comforts, no meals provided, and the “bank of mum and dad” not quite so accessible.
So I think you should talk this over calmly with her. Explain your concerns but realise that if it’s what she really wants, then give her your blessing. Both you and your husband need to explain that you will be concerned about her safety, and ask her to phone or email you regularly. If you approach this in a mature and positive way I think your daughter will respect your attitude. When we have children it’s our job to give them roots and wings. Let your daughter go travelling and she will come back enriched by the experience and proud that you didn’t stand in her way. Of course you’ll worry – but it’s the price mums pay. Take a positive interest in her plans and when she leaves you will both feel happier. her. Is she trying to keep up with him? I hope she’s not going to get hurt. I really miss the friend I had and just want her back.
Maggie says
Yes it is difficult when friendship changes and we don’t understand why. Perhaps your friend is re-assessing her life and what she wants from it. Really it’s not a bad thing, so try not to blame your friend. Please try to keep an open mind. Would you be interested to join her at one of her new pursuits – if so why not ask her? She might be delighted. Friendship is understanding that people can change their outlook. Try making some positive suggestions for things you can do together and who knows what might happen?
Maggie Listens, The Sunday Post, 2 Albert Square, Dundee, DD1 9QJ maggielistens@sundaypost.com