I’ve been cheated on in the past, now I can’t bear to trust the wonderful new man in my life

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries

Dear Maggie

Since my last two boyfriends both cheated on me I find it very hard to trust people.

I swore I wouldn’t start seeing anyone else but, stupidly I suppose, I’ve been in another relationship now for nearly a year.

My boyfriend is nothing like the last two I went out with – I think this is what attracted me to him. He is considerate, fun to be with, honest, kind and I’ve fallen for him in a big way, but in spite of all this, I find it hard to trust him and I just don’t know why.

He says he loves me and that he won’t cheat on me – but if he so much as looks at another woman I find myself getting angry.

If I catch him talking to another woman I get very possessive and can’t wait to drag him away, which I know is stupid.

As I said, he’s a kind person and he’s been very patient with me so far but I’m sure he must be getting tired of me needing constant reassurance.

I really don’t want to lose him and I know I have to change, but I don’t know how.

Maggie says

You are absolutely right on one point – you do have to change.

If you don’t, you will lose the love and respect of your boyfriend.

It is absolutely essential that you learn what trust means. Only you can decide if you really want to go through life, always expecting to be a victim. Because of what has happened in the past, you are condemning yourself to a miserable future where any partner you have will constantly be under a cloud of suspicion. Why should he?

You have been fortunate enough to meet a man who is kind, patient and thoughtful. Realise how important that is and let your doubts and anxiety go.

Yes, it might be difficult at times, but it’s vital that you put the past behind you and learn what trust means.

Your boyfriend can’t do it for you. Only you can conquer this negative and destructive emotion.

Start doing it on a daily basis. Tell yourself each morning that, just for today, you will not let the dark thoughts cloud your mind.

In your mind, put all the negativity in a bundle and dump it. Then move forward. Think positively. Plan ahead. Suggest ideas to your boyfriend for things you can do together over the next few weeks.

Enjoy the relationship you are in and stop comparing it to what happened in the past. When your boyfriend notices the difference in your attitude, it will mean a lot to him.

I do hope you find the strength to learn what trust means. It’s the cornerstone of every relationship.

Start building it into your life today. Good luck.