Is it wrong if I object to my ex-hubby taking our daughter on holiday with his new partner?
Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries
Dear Maggie
My husband and I divorced last year after being married for nearly 16 years.
Our 13-year-old daughter chose to stay with me and see her dad at weekends.
It was an arrangement which worked well and everything was going smoothly, I thought, but he has now asked her to go on holiday to Italy this summer with him and his girlfriend. My daughter really wants to go, but I feel very uncomfortable with the idea.
I don’t know this woman – so why should my daughter spend a holiday with her?
I know she’ll be annoyed with me if I say no, but I really don’t want her to go away with them.
Maggie says
Firstly, I think you have to ask yourself what the real reason is behind your reluctance to let your daughter have this holiday.
Is her dad a responsible and caring parent?
If he has ever shown that he fails in that respect, then I can understand your anxiety.
Dear Maggie
I know it sounds daft, but I just don’t have any “me time”.
I work five days a week in a lawyer’s office. I have three children, a husband, and a demanding mother who thinks she can phone me at any time of the day and offload her problems on to me.
I just want a bit of space to do what I want but nobody ever considers that.
Sorry for whingeing but I feel frazzled and wish I wasn’t at everyone’s beck and call.
Maggie says
You know that line from the Tammy Wynette song: “Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman.”
That sounds like your theme song, but don’t think you are alone – we’ve all been there. Almost every female I know has been in that situation at one time or another and feels taken for granted. But if he is a good and loving father, then I think you have to realise he has moved on with his life, met someone new and wants to share this holiday with her and his daughter.
I know that’s hard to accept – but I think you need to try to come to terms with that reality. Why not discuss it with your husband and perhaps even arrange to meet his new partner? Would you be comfortable with that?
I know it might be difficult for you but, in the long run, it would help you if you felt your daughter would be in safe hands. Divorce is never easy – especially when the children you both love and share are often pulled in two directions.
The best thing you can do in that situation is to be open and welcoming.
Don’t allow yourself to become bitter and difficult about your daughter’s relationship with her dad and his new girlfriend.
Tough, I know – but if you manage it, your daughter will respect you for allowing her to make her own decisions. What you must do is take a deep breath, think about what relaxes you and make a space in your day for yourself.
My favourite “down time” at work was browsing round a bookshop at lunchtime.
If your mum phones with a problem try saying you’re just not free to talk at that moment. Make some choices about creating time to do something each week which you can look forward to and enjoy.
It could be going for a swim, or visiting the gym and finding an exercise class that helps you feel good.
Perhaps meeting up with a friend for a meal some evening and letting your husband take over the bathtime/bedtime ritual with the children.
With just a few minor changes in your routine you can take back a little more control of your life and you will feel happier for it.
You matter – never forget that.
Maggie Listens, The Sunday Post, Skypark, Suite 3/6, 8 Elliot Place, Glasgow G3 8EP maggielistens@sundaypost.com