THE MARRIAGE COUNSELLOR

Relationship counsellor Mhairi Canning, 61, who works for Relationships Scotland, has been married to husband Michael, 62, for more than 30 years. The couple, from Glasgow, suspect her job has strengthened their relationship.

Mhairi says

People come to see us for a lot of reasons from affairs, which are very common, to continuous conflict, meaning they just argue all the time. But couples come because they want to right the ship.

We’re seeing more couples wanting to fix things, rather than make a break. From lockdown, we could have a client every hour of every day. There’s a big demand for counselling. People have been thrown together and, while some couples have loved it, others may not have coped very well with it.

Lockdown has increased tensions in a lot of relationships.

Michael and I were married for 12 years before I started counselling and we had a good relationship then. We never argue, but talk about our problems instead.

I think one of the benefits of my work is that I am more in tune with myself now. That’s the biggest difference. I understand more why I feel the way

I feel and therefore I am a more effective communicator.

And I have learned to get a better understanding of what belongs to me. I often look at things I am unhappy with and consider whether it’s my issue or someone else’s. If it’s my issue I take responsibility for that. I often ask myself if this is my responsibility to fix or not.

My job is all about talking. The other part of my job is about listening – and picking up on what is not being said. Neither Michael nor myself can tolerate tension. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our ups and downs, but if we have something we need to talk about, that’s what we do. And we find a resolution.

If you are in a relationship, you have to keep the other person in mind, because otherwise it isn’t going to work.

I consider the decisions I am making and how they might impact Michael. He does the same. We factor each other into our thinking.

It’s about evolving. I am not the same at 61 as I was at 24. It’s about how you evolve through life, work and parenting. Thankfully we have always been on the same page and where we haven’t been we have been able to talk about it. Feeling grounded in our relationship helps us to withstand things.

We can talk about our feelings. It’s always said in my house that I’m “all about the feelings”. There is definitely an openness between us and with the kids, too – although I doubt they tell me everything! They have a good relationship with each other, too, so I think it all makes us a closer family.

I’m a boy from Govan, we didn’t do feelings so Mhairi’s job has been an education for me

Michael says

There is no doubt that Mhairi’s job has had a huge impact on our marriage.

I’m a boy from Govan originally, where feelings were not to be spoken of, particularly for men.

Mhairi’s job has been a real education for me. In the early days I didn’t really know how to express these feelings.

What she does for other couples is amazing. She changes lives – and saves people. And what she has taught me about how to connect has helped me, too.

Mhairi and I have always got on really well, but there has always been a huge respect, too. She knows what my strengths are and I know what her strengths are.

Myself and our kids tease Mhairi about the feelings because in our house she says we need to “voice it”.

It has been a learning process for me. We have both realised that if she has an issue or I have one, talking about it is the best way forward.

I am a big advocate now and always advise people to consider counselling. I used to be a head teacher, working with young men struggling with their emotions. I always thought it was important to promote they didn’t need to be the strong person all the time. It’s changing. It’s OK now not to be OK.

I have had MS for almost as long as we’ve been married. I’ve always found it really difficult to talk about. About 15 years into it, I got some counselling – and it changed my life.

Mhairi’s work helped me grow as a man and also as a dad. It takes time, it’s not easy. Nobody gives you a handbook.

We’ve learned through talking to show a united front – and play to each other’s strengths.