Gran-of-eight Maggie Clayton’s advice column
Dear Maggie
My 26-year-old daughter has been dating her boyfriend for over a year now.
At first I thought he was what I’d always hoped for – that she would find someone who appreciated her for the kind, caring, hard-working young woman she is.
But gradually I began to see what a strong influence he had over her.
He urged her to lose weight and insisted she join a slimming club. She has now lost more than two stones and looks good. When I suggested to her that we go shopping so I could treat her to some new clothes, she told me that he wanted to stay on the diet for a bit longer.
When I go round to visit them he seldom gives her and I a chance to talk alone. We used to go for a coffee together, but that has stopped too. For her birthday I wanted to treat her and I to a girly weekend in London. That didn’t happen because he had already booked a holiday for them both in Paris.
I feel very left out of her life now.
Should I tell my daughter what I feel or just wait and see what happens?
Maggie says
I know this must be difficult for you and what I’m going to say may not be what you want to hear. But for the sake of your relationship, I think you need to stand back from this situation and let your daughter have the space and freedom to make her own choices.
This doesn’t mean you need to lose contact – but it does mean that you shouldn’t pressure her into making arrangements which involve you both.
She will appreciate this and in her own time you may find that she will be inviting you out for lunch or dropping by your home for a surprise visit.
Both of you clearly have a strong bond between you. So try giving her a bit of time to work out when she wants to get together and hopefully you will find that the close and loving relationship with your daughter is still there.
Dear Maggie
My sister and I have always been very close – until this year when she started dating a boy. From the first time I met him, he made me feel very uneasy.
He had just lost his job and didn’t seem in any hurry to find another one. She invited him to move into her flat with her and he is now living there, rent-free. She loves him very much and I want her to be happy, but I can’t stand back and see him taking advantage of her warm heart and generous spirit.
But if I criticise him at all she gets very upset and angry. What can I do?
Maggie says
She clearly cares for him and wants this relationship to last.
So while she continues to feel this way, you need to understand that while his behaviour may be wrong, this is not what she wants to hear.
Just be there for her and enjoy her company.
You and your sister enjoy a strong bond and it would be foolish to damage that.
In time she may realise that he is taking advance of her generous spirit, but until then, just go with the flow and let time work out whether there is a future for them both together.