LICENSED TO DATE
The ingredients of an exciting adventure are exertion, mystery, and a ruthless enemy*
Four out of the seven women Daniel Craig’s James Bond has so far shaken and stirred have ended up dead by the end of the movie, making him easily the most dangerous 007 to date, his partners’ 59% morbidity rate comparing to Sean Connery’s 29%.
But, if any woman remains foolhardy enough to date Bond, Lt-col William Tanner, otherwise known as comic novelist Kingsley Amis, told them what to expect in the definitive guide for would-be James Bonds – and Bond girls – in 1965. Here, before release of the new Bond movie, we reveal how The Book Of Bond, sourced from Ian Fleming’s thrillers, suggests how to date like 007.
THE LOOKS
Eyes must be narrow and watchful, with a hint of anger. Practise this in the mirror, making sure not to look merely short-sighted, cretinous or very, very drunk. The Spy Who Loved Me
THE OUTFIT
Dark-blue suit. Dark-blue socks. Black moccasin shoes (you hate shoelaces). Heavy white silk shirt, black knitted silk tie. Note: Windsor knots are characteristic of SMERSH (Bond’s Russian arch enemies). Moonraker
THE DRINK
Take three measures of Gordon’s gin, one measure of vodka, half a measure of Lillet vermouth. Shake very well until ice-cold. Serve in deep champagne goblet with large slice of lemon peel.
While this is being concocted, explain to your partner that when on a job you never have more than one drink before dinner, but you like that one to be large and very strong and very cold and very well made. When the drink arrives tell the barman it’s excellent but would be even better made with a grain-base vodka than with a potato-base one. Casino Royale
THE MEAL
Order not less than £20-worth of Beluga caviar [about £150 today]. Explain that anything less would be no more than a spoonful. Ask the waiter to bring plenty of toast, adding half to yourself: “The trouble always is not how to get enough caviar but how to get enough toast to go with it.” Casino Royale
THE CHAT (For Bond)
“For me, the right ingredients of an exciting adventure are physical exertion, mystery, and a ruthless enemy.” Dr No Smile when you say this. Done too straight it might cause an embarrassed snigger.
THE CHAT (For a Bond Girl)
“Take off those clothes. Make love to me. You are handsome and strong. I want to remember what it can be like. No questions. Take me.” On Her
Majesty’s Secret Service Choose your moment for this one.
*Smile when you say this. Done too straight it might cause an embarrassed snigger.