Look back with love after loss
Festive nostalgia makes living with loss much harder
Often, especially during the festive season, we make assumptions about someone who has suffered a loss, then try to improve their mood on the basis of those assumptions. It can be more helpful simply to ask how they would like to celebrate – if at all – and how their loss should be acknowledged.
Grief can have a strange effect on the passage of time. a loss may leave you feeling stuck, yet in other ways life keeps trundling along.
Sometimes everyday distractions take over; other times grief whips you back to the moment everything changed.
And everything gets more complicated as nostalgia builds over Christmas.you may feel simultaneously sad and joyous, present in the moment, lost in the past. It can be a challenging time but there are ways to get through – and even enjoy the festivities happening around you.
If you have suffered a loss, recognise that Christmas might be different this year. Meet up with others in a similar situation. Find a way to pay tribute to the person who is absent, and bring them into your observance of Christmas if you feel ready to do so.
Ask for help in specific ways. People are often desperate to help, but don’t know how. All of the things you would do to support someone who is struggling with loneliness are valid for helping those who have lost a loved one.
If you know someone who needs support, try to understand and accept that Christmas will be different for them this year. Recognise what they are going through, and extend a little extra compassion. Invite them to join in, but give them space if they need it.
Christmas has a strange power to root us in the moment while also transporting us somewhere else. Sometimes we have to just get through and start a new day.
If our current experience does not match up to our memories of Christmases past, or what we think we should be experiencing, we can lose ourselves in the gap. this leads to disconnection and sadness.
However, if we can find a way to inhabit the season, perhaps by identifying with a particular person, place or moment, we can rebuild the bonds of connection and feel part of Christmas once more.
A friend told me that her father was the heart and soul of Christmas in their household. He would write poetry, make up sketches and perform routines as a gift to everyone on Christmas Day. Now that he has passed away my friend has decided to take the baton and continue the tradition.
Christmas can be an opportunity to pause and give thanks, and to remember to be grateful.