We’ re retired but my husband resents spending time helping my daughter and her family
Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum of four, gran of eight and dear friend to many, Margaret Clayton’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to
Dear Maggie
My husband and I are retired and one of the pleasures of retirement is we now have time to look after our daughter’s twins, who are three years old.
We have an early start in the morning to get the girls to nursery. Then I tidy my daughter’s house, put the washing on and my husband brings the girls home for lunch. In the afternoon we take them for a walk or do some shopping for my daughter, and I prepare the dinner for her and the family coming home.
I enjoy doing this but last week my husband was in a dark mood and when I asked why he said “Is this it then? Is this what I worked for all my life?”
When I asked him what he was talking about, he said angrily: “I thought retirement meant time for us to do what we wanted, not fitting in with someone else’s plans?”
It led to a big row. I can’t believe he can be so selfish.
I’m not sure if I should tell my daughter. What do you think would be best?
Maggie says
I understand how torn you must be feeling. As a mum and grandmother you want to do the best for your daughter and grandchildren, but your husband also needs and wants to share your company during retirement.
The only way is to talk to your husband honestly and explain you want to help out with your grandchildren but you also want to enjoy retirement with him. Perhaps there is a way that, with planning and organising, you can do both. But until you talk it through, there will be feelings of resentment.
There is no simple answer, but if you can face this together, as a family, and work out a compromise based on what’s best for everyone, you may be able to find a solution. I do hope talking about it helps.
Dear Maggie
I work as a PA in a large legal practice and I enjoy my work. It’s interesting dealing with the various complicated dilemmas our clients face.
My boss relies on me quite a lot and has got into the habit of discussing cases with me. Last week he asked me if I’d accompany him on a home visit to a client. I was surprised, because that’s unusual, but I agreed.
We drove to the client’s house, he introduced me as his secretary and she was happy for me to take shorthand notes. On the way back to the office he suggested we stop for lunch. We went to a nice restaurant and had a lovely lunch and wine. When we arrived back at the office car park, he turned off the engine and said, “That was a lovely day. Let’s do it again” before kissing me. I pushed him away, got out of the car and slammed the door. I don’t know what to do. I had no intentions of encouraging him and now I feel like it’s my fault. Where did I go wrong?
Maggie says
You did nothing wrong. He made a pass at you. You wisely rejected him. So don’t feel guilty.
Hopefully your boss will not try this again. Just act calmly around him. Hopefully he is the one who will feel guilty about his bad behaviour.
If he repeats this, however, you may need to take action. No woman should have to put up with this unpleasant situation in the workplace. HR is usually the best place to start.