You’re allowed to be sad about the Queen’s passing

Grief experts say it is healthy to embrace your feelings and to look for support if it becomes too over-whelming

When the Queen’s death was announced a wave of grief quickly engulfed the nation. Over the last few days tens of thousands have queued for hours, many through the night, to pay their respects to the late monarch as she lay-instate before her state funeral tomorrow.

Most of the mourners did not have a personal connection to the Queen, but all talked about their feelings of loss and a need to say goodbye to a woman who had been a constant in their lives.

Widower Frank Groves, 70, who lost his wife to cancer, perhaps summed up best how this collective grief can sharpen our own loss. Speaking to the Guardian newspaper as he visited Ballater near Balmoral Castle, he said:“from when I was born, the Queen was there; when I went to school, got married, and when my wife passed, she was there. She almost feels like a distant relative.”

Seeing the coffin go past was “the culmination of sadness”, Groves observed. “But you need that to move on. Britain won’t be the same without her.”

This feeling of grief, experts say, is a natural response to the passing of famous faces who have been embedded in the public consciousness. “Although we may not have met these public figures before their passing, they potentially would have been part of our growing up and our personal history, making them familiar figures,” notes psychotherapist and BACP accredited counsellor Jackie Rogers.

There may also be an element of collective emotion, which is different to the private mourning of a close relative.

“When grieving close family or friends, it’s not so public, whereas with a public figure, it is seen on the news and in the media,” Rogers explained.

“Because of this, you often see other people mourning, so it’s understandable to feel some sort of empathy with that as well.”

Being upset over the death of a loved one is seen as normal, but when a famous person dies, there are always some commentators who don’t understand the ‘fuss’ being made.

That doesn’t mean these feelings are less relevant, said Rogers, who pointed out it is important to be mindful that some people may be more

impacted by the loss than others.

She said: “There could be more judgment from ourselves, or others berating ourselves for feeling upset, when we have not met or personally know them.

“Be respectful and kind. Do not tell them how they should or should not be feeling. Grief is a complex emotion and affects us all differently.”

The Queen’s passing could also trigger painful memories, according to Bianca Neumann, head of bereavement at Sue Ryder (sueryder.org). She said:“someone dying in the public eye can remind us of a previous bereavement we’ve experienced, and this public outpouring can sometimes bring our own feelings of grief to the surface again.”

The last few years have been unsettling with seizemic events such as the pandemic and the Russian war in Ukraine impacting heavily on our everyday reality.

In the case of Queen Elizabeth II specifically, she was a figure of stoicism and duty for more than 70 years of her reign, so her loss reminds us that nothing stays the same.

She added:“she will have been present throughout many moments and milestones, and so her death may be leading some of us to reflect both on her life and our own.

“There is comfort in the feeling of a stable ground around us, and the Queen dying means that many people will be experiencing a sense of instability, at a time where things feel very uncertain.”

Rogers added:“for many, the Queen has been a ‘constant’, a ‘mother’ or ‘grandmother’ figure. Her passing can trigger emotions in people who have lost their own mum or grandparent, be it recently or many years ago.”

Whether it’s a close family member or public figure who has died, the first step to coping with grief is to let your emotions out.

“Allow that sadness,” said Rogers.“do not tell yourself you do not have the right to feel sad because you did not know the Queen.”

“If you do bottle up your feelings, it could lead to what’s called ‘disenfranchised grief’.

“This is when the person who is grieving is denied the chance to openly grieve their loss,” Neumann explains. “This could lead to feelings of shame, guilt, low mood, anger, frustration and sadness.”

You may wish to pay your respects to the late Queen, either publicly or privately.

Roger suggested:“there are condolence books in various settings around the country which you could write in, reflecting on your own memories regarding the Queen and what she meant to you.”

If you are feeling overwhelmed by the constant news and social media coverage leading up to the funeral, it may also help to take a self-care break or spend time with friends or family.

“It is important you look after yourself emotionally and reach out to people who will support you,” said Rogers.

“Do not be afraid to contact your GP or a counsellor if you are struggling.”