Queen’ s death has brought back so many sad memories of mum’ s lock down funeral

Are you struggling in these uncertain times? Contact Maggie for advice by emailing ps@sundaypost. com

Dear Maggie

I lost my mother to Covid during the first lockdown.

She was in her 80s and was a huge character. She was our matriarch and a pillar of the community as the local librarian.

She had lots of friends and former colleagues as well as four kids and eight grandkids but we were limited to only six people during her funeral. I know in normal times the church would have been packed and we would have had a big celebration of her life, but I accepted it because so many people were facing the same thing at the time.

But during the last two weeks since the Queen’s death I have found it very hard. It has been just so inescapable and it’s bringing up so much I haven’t dealt with, like not being able to see my mum for months beforehand as she was in a care home, not being able to invite all the friends and family to her funeral not being able to see friends in the aftermath, having to get rid of everything in her house in the middle of a pandemic.

I thought I had been doing OK but the grief is crushing and I don’t know where to turn.

Jane, Edinburgh

Maggie says

Your touching letter sums up what so many people who lost a loved one during the pandemic have suffered. Being unable to give your mother the funeral you would have wished for her, only added to the pain of losing her.

Now the death of the Queen and the amount of coverage that has received, has brought to the forefront of your mind everything you have lost. I am sure you are not alone in feeling this way.

I would huge you to take comfort from the fact your relationship with your mother was a strong and loving one. That’s what is important.

She must have known the love and respect you had for her and that’s the greatest gift we can give our parents.

Don’t forget her generation experienced the war years when everything was affected by the circumstances the nation had to live through – and because of this they had a practical and accepting attitude to events which is lacking today. So your mum wouldn’t have blamed you for the funeral she had. I’m sure she would have been proud of you for giving her a simple celebration with her family.

I can understand how bereft you feel but don’t let this add to your loss.

There is still time to mark her passing, perhaps a memorial event on her anniversary? A tree planting or some other fitting way to commemorate your mum could help you feel closure.

The Queen’s death has been a crushing blow for her family and for our country. Her children and grandchildren have had to cope with that and adjust to the changing circumstances.

This is a dark time for many people but hopefully we will come through it and be stronger. Depression is very debilitating and if you need help speak to your doctor, who may suggest bereavement counselling. I hope you would be willing to accept that.

Remember your mum as the strong, loving, compassionate woman she was. Treasure the many happy memories you shared. It’s what she would have wanted more than anything.