Maggie Listens

I’m worried about my mum...she has not been her bright, bubbly self lately

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries

Dear Maggie

I am very worried about my mum. She has always been a calm and competent person. She brought up three children, held down a good job as a secretary until she retired last year and had a happy marriage with my dad until his death five years ago. Now, the slightest thing seems to throw her off balance. She gets worked up about little things and panics. She was due to go off for a holiday last week and when I went to see her she was in a state about packing her case. “I can’t do this any more,” she said and burst into tears. She was really upset, adding: “I don’t want to leave home. I feel safer here.” I managed to convince her she needed a holiday and drove her to the airport next day. She looked a bit brighter but still not quite her bright, bubbly self. I’ve worried so much about her. What should I do when she comes back?

Maggie says

Wait until your mum comes home and see if the holiday has helped her get her confidence back.

It sounds as if she has lost her belief in her own competence to cope with new situations.

It’s not unusual as people age for them to become less sure of their ability to cope with challenges which they once would have taken in their stride.

Clearly the mum you knew was a strong woman who had a long marriage, raised her family, held down a good job.

Now, it’s hard for her to come to terms with the fact that life has changed.

She doesn’t have your father for emotional support and for the practical help he gave her in their life together. That’s a big loss for a woman in midlife.

She can learn to do all the practical things which they once managed together, but there will be times she misses having him to talk to, to share worries with and to have a laugh about things.

I have a friend whose husband died a year ago and she told me “It’s when the 6pm news is on that I miss him most. We watched it nearly every night and had a discussion about it. Sometimes we argued and had different opinions about certain items – but I don’t enjoy it half as much now because he’s not there.”

Grief affects us all in different ways and, although your mum is coping on one level, she’s probably trying hard to understand these moments of emptiness without her partner.

Hopefully, the holiday will be a success and she will have regained her self confidence a little bit.

But stay close to her and if you feel she is struggling, suggest she makes an appointment with her doctor and that you’ll go along with her if she finds it difficult to explain how she’s feeling. If she’s suffering from mild depression he will be able to suggest medication which might help.

If she has your love, help and support, I hope she will be able to work through this and you will have the reassurance of knowing you have your mum back again.