We’ve been friends for years, so why won’t she open up and tell me what’s wrong?

Dear Maggie

My best friend and I have known each other since our schooldays.

We are both now in our forties, married, and have children.

Our friendship still means a lot to us both, and we meet once a month for lunch and very often during the week if we have a bit of spare time, we’ll pop into each other’s houses to have a coffee and a catch-up.

But recently I have been a bit surprised about the changes in my friend’s attitude.

Some days she is very distant and offhand with me, other days she is quite emotional and I don’t know what is wrong.

I’ve asked her if she has any worries, but she always says she’s fine.

Last week, I decided to face it head on and I went round one morning when I knew her children were in school.

I was shocked to see she had clearly been crying a lot because her eyes were puffy and red-rimmed.

When I pleaded with her to tell me what was wrong, she just brushed me off again.

All of this is so unlike her. What can I do to help her if she won’t tell me what’s wrong?

Maggie says

Until your friend is prepared to open up and be honest with you, there’s not a lot you can do.

Clearly, whatever the problem is, she is trying to deal with it on her own – not very successfully by the sound of things.

It may take time, but I suggest you tell her you will be there for her – for however long it takes – until she is ready to confide in you.

Perhaps she is worried about her marriage, her children, her health or she has financial problems.

But whatever the reason, she but doesn’t want to “open up” to anyone yet, even such an obviously close friend.

Try to respect that.

Just carry on as if everything is normal.

Don’t ask leading questions about emotional issues. Don’t probe for answers. Keep the conversation cheerful and upbeat if you can.

Whatever your friend is going through right now, she just wants to be accepted for herself.

Doing that is the best gift you can give her at this time.

Remember this – none of us know how we will deal with a problem until we’re faced with it.

Some like to share, others prefer privacy.

Hopefully your friend will be able to work through whatever is going on in her life and some day may feel able to discuss it with you.

But even if she never does, don’t let that damage your friendship.

It’s too important to lose.