How to ensure the big day does not plunge into festicuffs

Take a lead from Robert The Bruce... choose your battleground, fight like a guerilla, and don’t let the rum run out

victorious army needs to have a degree of training.

“Personally, I’m more than slightly concerned I have failed to carry out adequate training.

“It’s a bit too late in the day now, and by the time we get to the end of the Christmas campaign I will be feeling, shall we say, more battle-weary than I might have been otherwise.”

He added: “There is so much pressure on Christmas Day that warfare can break out at any minute – especially when the rum ration has been depleted.

“I’m a veteran of a number of them myself.

“The negotiation over Christmas telly has led to conflict in my own household, but it’s slightly easier now thanks to technology, which has always played a key role in conflict and warfare, be it from the introduction of gunpowder to the use of aircraft.

“Once you get to a couple of days in, you really need to deploy survival mechanisms to keep the peace.

“Every great military commander will know when not to fight – and keeping the peace is key at Christmas.”