Maggie Listens

I lost my temper with my sister. Now we aren’t speaking. How do I patch it up?

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries Dear Maggie

My older sister and I grew up in a mining village in Ayrshire.

My dad worked long hours and took all the overtime available. Mum kept our council house immaculate and we had a happy childhood. But when my sister grew up she was desperate to get more out of life. She moved to Edinburgh and worked as a secretary in a legal firm where she met her husband, a successful lawyer. They bought a beautiful town house and have two little boys.

I would love to see more of my nephews but the problem is my sister has such a busy social life that she has no time now for her own family. She thinks I’m not ambitious because I am quite happy with my job working in a shop and living with my husband in a rented flat. She is forever nagging me to make more of myself and to plan for the future. This is really annoying me, because it’s me – the “failure” – who looks after mum and dad now they are in poor health and my sister does very little for them and seldom visits. I lost my temper with her a few weeks ago and we haven’t spoken since.

I don’t think she even cares about that but I know it would upset my parents if they knew we had a fallout. What can I do to sort out this mess?

Maggie Says

You need to realise that you have been carrying a heavy burden of resentment about your sister for many years.

Try letting that go. It isn’t doing either of you any good. She made her choices about how she wants to live her life and you made yours.

Not everyone is a high achiever. Accept yourself, be comfortable with your own decisions but try to understand your sister’s point of view. She thinks she knows what’s best for you – older siblings often do. But if you have confidence in yourself you will be able to explain why you’ve made the decisions you have in life – and it’s then up to her to understand where you are coming from.

Invite her out for a meal and talk honestly to her about your concerns for your parents. Try to get her involved in caring for them and planning for the future. This shared responsibility could be a healing thing for both of you.

Within a family there are often people with different character traits. One sibling might be an ambitious high-flyer whose career is all important, while their brother or sister is content with what looks to an outsider like a dull routine.

Let go of the resentment of the past and take a positive step into the future where hopefully both of you can share the care of your ageing parents. It will be a joy to them if they see their two daughters growing closer. Hopefully you will find you can forge a new relationship based on tolerance and understanding.

Dear Maggie

My boyfriend is a popular guy who loves sharing our date nights with our friends.

I enjoy the company of other couples but I have tried saying to him that now and then I’d like it just to be “us”.

He agrees at the time and then the following week I find out we are going out for dinner with his mates and their girlfriends.

I’m just sick and tired of compromising while he plays “Mr Sociable”. Am I wrong in wanting him to myself now and then?

Maggie Says

No, I don’t think you are wrong and your boyfriend should be listening to what you are saying. It’s fine to compromise now and then but he should know you well enough to understand that you like a bit of time alone with him to talk, to listen, to share new experiences.

He has to realise that every relationship is based on give and take. I do hope he listens. Good luck.