LEARN HOW TO ARGUE

Arguments happen. It’s the way they happen that matters. Some conflict is normal in relationships. Done well, arguing and differences of approach can lead to better ways of relating. Done badly, arguing leads to the issue bubbling away unresolved, simmering until it erupts again.

STEP 1 Listen

Don’t interject, don’t defend. Don’t deny the issue. Definitely don’t try to use humour to deflect the issue. Just listen attentively.

STEP 2 Pause for a moment

Consider that someone you love or like is hurting. Even if it is a complaint that is being directed at you.

STEP 3 Empathise

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about how they are feeling and why. Are they hurt, angry, lonely, tired or stressed?

STEP 4 Take time out to think things through

If you don’t have a response, don’t rush one. Take time out to consider your reply

STEP 5 Give them space

Wait it out and give your partner the space and time they need

STEP 6 Just accept each other

You have to accept the way some people are in order to protect your relationships. There are some activities and topics to avoid. Similarly, there are some issues where arguing won’t make any difference – the number or quality of ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends, and the attributes of your partner’s family come to mind as examples.

STEP 7 Be open-hearted and respectful

Keep your focus not just on the immediate issue but also on the long-term health of your relationship.

When you argue in a relationship you are still in a relationship, and what you do in that argument has consequences for your relationship.