DEAL WITH DISASTROUS MOODS
If you’re in a bad mood:
Calm first so that you are then able to express your concerns or feelings calmly and constructively. Remind yourself that your partner does not have the same brain as you, so won’t know what’s happening in your head. Mindreading is notoriously unreliable! Take time to let go of brooding thoughts and breathe. You may decide this situation needs to be dealt with later when you have calmed down.
If your concerns are still around the next day, raise them when you both have the time and space to talk about them in a collaborative manner – avoid blaming, criticising and contempt.
If your partner is in a bad mood:
Here you are, pleasantly minding your own business and they begin rattling the pans in the background, stomping through the house or rummaging through the drawers. You might be quietly flicking through social media sites minding your own business while they keep interrupting and wanting to talk. They may be tossing and turning in bed while you are sleeping. They may be brooding over a recent upset while you are oblivious to the whole thing.
The questions “Is something the matter?”, “Are you upset?” and “What’s wrong?” are not advisable.If the reply is “nothing”, something is definitely up.
Work on the premise there is a problem that needs solving. “How can I help” may be a better question, or simply be more present with them. Pay attention. Don’t ignore their attempts to connect – if you do they will become even more agitated. Your partner’s antennae for connection is twitching and needs soothing.
Pay attention and look for ways to provide comfort. Look for ways to connect. As Gary Chapman mentions in his wonderful book The Five Love Languages, some people see different gestures as signs of love – time, gifts, acts of service, touch, words of affirmation such as being told “I love you”. It might be washing the dishes or cleaning up. It might be listening attentively to the latest family news. It might be being there and being prepared to listen to how their day has been. The Revolutionary Art of Changing Your Heart, by Andrew Fuller, is out now