How to win friends and relate to people
Making friends seems easy in youth, especially during school and college, and even when starting work. It often only takes a friendly hello or a simple introduction.
Factor in a partner and children and along come new chums, made over dinner parties, and playdates, school functions and coffee mornings.
But as life evolves and work and domestic demands weigh heavy, it can be difficult to find the time to sustain old friendships, let alone make new ones.
And, as kids fly the nest and retirement looms, those friendships may have all but disappeared. That’s when loneliness can creep in.
Psychotherapist Dr Jane Graham, says friendships are important to our health and wellbeing, and she offers some advice on how to make new friends, and re-connect with old ones.
Dr Graham, a trauma expert with a special interest in the menopause and the psychological challenges of mid-to-later life, says:“Things get more difficult as we get older, because – through no fault of our own – we can become isolated.
“Sometimes work stress means we just have enough energy for what we do, but then we go home and don’t really connect with people. In retirement, there is often a loss of identity and of feeling a bit stuck.
“Maybe you didn’t develop enough social activity and social contact in the latter part of your working life to have those connections when you stop work. There can also be the death of a spouse or a partner, failing health, decreased mobility and/or visual or audial impairment. Maybe the children have moved away. Maybe there are no children.All of these factors can contribute to the sense of isolation.
“We know categorically there are real positives to having friendships, in terms of your physical and mental health and wellbeing. This is because
I would rather have 10 really good friends, than 50 casual ones
you have something to aim for; you have an interest and a connection. It builds your confidence, you have someone to share the same kind of interests as you.
“Just being able to laugh, have fun and feel that vibrancy again is good for you. In terms of mental health, you get a sense of bonding and support. That gives you a resilience against conditions like anxiety and depression. It also helps maintain cognitive function for longer.
“There is quite a bit of evidence to say that friendships are as important as relationships with family members.
“A lot of research says being married or having a partner is much more protective for you as you get older, but it does not explore the quality of those relationships.
“Some people may feel more isolated and alone as others assume that as they are in a couple, they don’t need that much interaction.
“Or they may feel trapped in their marriage but unable to leave. This, too, may have a detrimental impact on wellbeing. Having care and support through friendships outside of that partnership can be a pressure valve.
“The great thing about friendship is that it is given voluntarily. You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your relatives. Sometimes the dynamics of family may include guilt, resentment or a sense of duty and obligation. That can be fraught.
“If you are in middle life, it is important to maintain and invest in the friendships you have now, because those friends have known you through different life stages and they bring a viewpoint that helps you to accept your changing self.
“New friends are good because they are meeting you where you are now.
“In Scotland I’ve found people to be very warm and engaging. People will give you time, they will be interested in you. It’s a great place to make and reconnect with friends.” Dr Graham is the author of Missing Ellie, a novel about the impact of menopause, available from Amazon
The antidote to loneliness is to start your interests before you retire