Friends for 27 years, but our different ways of dealing with lock down has caused a rift

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum of four, gran of eight and dear friend to many, Margaret Clayton’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to

Dear Maggie

I met Sarah on my first day at secondary school and, for the last 27 years, we have been the best of friends. I was a bridesmaid at her wedding, and she is godmother to my two children.

We have been on family holidays together but this year things have changed and I can’t understand why.

You might think I’m stupid but I blame lockdown for it.

She follows the rules strictly and I admit I have a tendency to bend them.

Six weeks ago, she came to drop off my birthday present. I invited her in. “You know it’s not allowed,” she said.

There were four cars in the drive. “My two sisters and their children are here,” I explained. “Just for a short time”

She stared at me and said: “I can’t believe it Julie. You know you are breaking the law?”

“I know,” I said lightly, “but they’ve brought my presents.”

She turned and walked away. That night I phoned her to apologise, but she said: “After all those years I thought I knew you, Julie, but I obviously don’t. Why would you risk Covid just because it’s your birthday?”

Then she slammed the phone down on me.

Is there anything I can do that would help her understand?

Maggie says

Sometimes it takes a change of circumstances for us to realise the differences between ourselves and others.

Lockdown has been challenging for everyone and there have been different attitudes to how to cope with it, but each one of us must be true to what we believe.

We all have a duty to try to keep ourselves and our families and friends safe, so try to understand Sarah’s point of view – even if she can’t understand yours.

This pandemic has caused so much disruption. We all need I think to try to understand other people’s fears and anxieties and make allowances for them.

So give Sarah a bit of time to think things through before you get in touch again. Then either phone or write a letter to suggest meeting up for lunch and hopefully she will welcome that.

Dear Maggie

Iam22 and a first-time mum of a beautiful baby boy called Joel. I had a healthy pregnancy and felt full of energy but now that he is four-months-old and a very poor sleeper I get angry at myself for feeling tired.

My partner. Andy, works shifts and we agreed that I would get up during the night if Joel cried. But I had no idea what lots of nights of broken sleep would do to me. I’m tense, angry, weepy and Andy and I have had rows as he doesn’t understand what its like coping on my own all day while he is working. I don’t have any family close by and I don’t know where to turn.

Maggie says

Don’t blame yourself. Most first-time mums experience exactly what you are feeling. Nothing prepares you for the demands of a newborn baby.

The first six months can be exhausting. So it’s no wonder many mums suffer from postnatal depression.

Don’t blame yourself – talk to your doc. Be honest with Andy about what you’re going through and he will be supportive.

Be kind to yourself. It does get easier.