Anewmemberhasjoinedour walkinggroupbuthe’sruined ourfun.WhatshouldIdo?

Dear Maggie

Iama divorced mother and granny. During the pandemic I joined a walking group, which was a big step for me as I am really quite shy.

I was so proud of myself and have made some interesting and loyal friends. We meet up twice a week for a few hours’ ramble. It keeps me fit and has helped with my loneliness.

The problem is that a month or so ago a new member joined our group who has changed the whole dynamic. He is a retired surgeon in his 70s. He is arrogant and often dominates the conversation. He is also very inappropriate with some of the younger ladies in the group, making lewd comments. I have talked to some of the women, who all feel the same as me but I know the men in the group think he’s harmless.

I don’t want to leave my wee social circle but it’s just not the same when he’s there. Should I have a word with him? Or maybe we should approach him collectively? I really hate confrontation but surely we have a right to speak our minds? Is there a good way to go about this?

Beth, Kirkcaldy Maggie says

Thank you for your letter. Firstly, let me say I think you are very positive in the way you have dealt with some of

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com the situations you’ve experienced over the years. It can’t have been easy for you to cope with divorce and raising a family but you found the strength and courage to do it.

Joining the walking group was also brave and, although you admit that you are shy, you were able to overcome that and make new friends whose company you enjoy. I believe you have more confidence than you give yourself credit for.

Walking with this gang twice a week is a time to chat and share experiences while staying fit and active. A lot of the joy comes from discovering new parts of your local area.

So please don’t let the arrival of this new member of the group spoil the pleasure and satisfaction you get from your twice-weekly rambles.

It is aggravating when one person can change a relaxed situation, through overbearing and arrogant behaviour. Don’t let him ruin your fun.

I suggest meeting with the other women in the group away from your walks to discuss a united approach.

This man obviously wants to be noticed – so don’t give him the satisfaction of realising that

he is getting to you. Perhaps you could try to ignore his comments by walking on ahead. Of course, if he is overstepping boundaries then that is a different matter. Perhaps he thinks his “lewd” comments are simply flirting, but times have changed and he has to move with them. I suggest the next time he says something inappropriate you firmly indictate to him that while he may think he’s being funny or cute, he is making you, and your fellow female walkers, feel uncomfortable.

It’s possible he doesn’t even realise he’s being boorish. Hopefully he’ll get the hint and you may even find his behaviours is all a front. You say in your longer letter that he is a widow so perhaps he’s lonely too.

You have every right to speak your mind. Do not be cowed. I do hope this works. Let me know how you get on.