Couples risked by cost of loving crisis
Experts predict more divorces as relationships feel the strain of rising prices
The annual thermostat wars will be taken to a whole new level this autumn as couples up and down the country debate the merits of cost over comfort.
While money worries have always been a principle driver of household arguments, experts fear the cost of living crisis may push many relationships to the brink. Family lawyers say they are expecting a rise in divorce rates but also warn many Scots may find themselves trapped in toxic living arrangements, stuck fast in a single home because they can’t afford to move on.
According to leading solicitors Stowe Family Law, divorce inquiries in July were up 132% on the previous year but the firm expects that to increase further as the stress of money worries piles pressure on some already fragile marriages.
The company’s research found that 55% of couples said their happiness had been directly affected by financial problems, while 70% feared their relationship wouldn’t survive the months ahead.
Alexis Harper, partner in family law at Harper Macleod, which has offices across Scotland, said the figures were not surprising: “In my experience, clients have considered separation as a result of financial pressures, so this could become more prevalent in the present climate.
“Those couples who are deciding to separate now have the added complexity of navigating the division of their assets against an environment of uncertainty and spiralling costs.
“Many clients are concerned about maintaining the family home in light of increased mortgage rates, energy costs and inflation.
“We are also finding that some clients are simply too concerned to start a formal process at the moment because they are worried about having to factor legal costs into their budget. This could mean that more and more couples feel trapped in their relationships because they cannot afford to live separately.”
Shaun George, partner and head of the family team at Brodies LLP, warned that people trapped in abusive relationships might also feel trapped financially and therefore unable to take steps to move away.
He said: “There are so many complexities which can come from financial issues in relationships. It might not be so easy to buy out the other person from a mortgage, or people might not be able to get the finance to fund another property.
“People might need to stay living together because they simply can’t afford to move out. We’re starting to see that already.”
Clinical psychologist and couples’ counsellor Michaela Thomas said money ranked among the top 10 topics her clients argued about, even those with no obvious financial problems.
She said: “Money is linked to independence, stability, power and freedom – so of course we can disagree wildly about how to spend it. We don’t want our partner to hold all that power, we want to be part of the decision making. Money is also linked to values and goals. So when money problems show up, they can cause serious arguments.”
Disagreements on how to spend what you have deepen further when there’s less of it. A new survey from asset manager Abrdn found 41% of 40 to 44-year-olds were worried about being unable to afford retirement, with 13% admitting their relationships had already been negatively impacted.
According to Thomas, author of The Lasting Connection, fear lies behind most money arguments. “Anything which gets us into our ‘threat’ systems causes a stress response,” she explained. “Anger can be an easier emotion to express than fear. It’s less vulnerable to criticise your partner
than it is to say, ‘I’m really worried we won’t have enough to cover the next energy bill, and that makes me feel unsafe’.”
Property company Share to Buy reported a 45% increase in households with no disposable income at all, and 30% spending all their savings to meet the cost of living.
So treats that traditionally helped to keep relationships running smoothly, such as “date night”, have become impossible, with 65% no longer able to afford a restaurant meal.
Arguments about how to cope with the changes in lifestyle could be a big trigger for couples, said Thomas.
“Each partner will be bringing their own money mindset to the table when they discuss their finances. One partner might have learned that in order to stay safe, you have to be thrifty,” she added. “The other may feel threatened at the prospect of not having the abundance they are used to.”
The rise in the number of families falling into debt has already been reported with the Bank of England showing credit card borrowing was up 13% in July this year, its highest level since October 2005.
Sharon Bell, head of debt charity StepChange Scotland, warned that hiding debt from your significant other could have devastating consequences.
She said: “Talking about debt can stir up a whole mixture of negative feelings. Making your partner aware of your debt problem is likely to be uncomfortable, but not telling them could be seen as a breach of trust which could damage your long-term relationship.”
Michaela Thomas agreed that communication was key to solving marital problems. She said: “Compassion and connection is the way through most tough times for couples.
“Compassion means using empathy and perspective, taking time to tune into your partner’s pain and saying ‘no wonder you feel that way, it makes sense’.”
She added: “Compassionate communication and problemsolving will strengthen the bond between you. Connection grows not just in the good times but also in the bad, if you work together as a team.”