My husband’s decision to not have anymore children puts a terrible strain on our marriage
Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum of four, gran of eight and dear friend to many, Margaret Clayton’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to
Dear Maggie
Iam married with one daughter. I wanted more but, sadly, we had a four miscarriages.
Each time was like a bereavement, and it put a lot of strain on our marriage.
Eventually it was my husband who called time on us trying for a baby, despite the fact that I wanted to keep going.
I was devastated when he admitted he didn’t want another child and I’ve found it hard to resolve this.
He recently came home to share the news that his boss at work was pregnant with her third child and he seemed so happy about it.
I got really angry because I felt it was very insensitive considering our situation, which was very testing for our marriage.
Despite our child now being almost a teenager and knowing I am too old to have any more children, this is still eating away at me.
It’s been a miserable few years, as we have been bickering over the smallest things, and I know it’s because I am feeling resentful about this.
I feel like I’ve wasted years feeling sad and, ironically, it’s meant I haven’t even been able to enjoy the child we have.
I sometimes think I should just split from my husband, but
I know a lot of our issues lie with me.
What should I do? Bridget
Maggie says
Thank you for your moving letter, Bridget.
Clearly, you have come through some heartbreaking times losing much wanted babies due to four miscarriages.
I can understand how hard it must have been for you when your husband made the decision that it was time for you to stop trying to have another baby.
I think he was anxious about the strain it was having on your health, physically and emotionally, and wanted to protect you from any more hurt and disappointment.
So please try to understand his emotions and stop feeling resentful towards him.
This is destructive to your marriage and won’t work for either of you.
You have a healthy child on the brink of becoming a teenager and your thoughts and energy should be concentrated on making your home life calm and happy.
The child you have deserves your time, energy and happiness.
You are honest enough to admit you have wasted years feeling angry and resentful about not having more children – so please stop feeling sorry for yourself and realise that your husband and teenager need you.
Only you can do this. There is time to create a happy home and make your husband and daughter feel secure.
Try to stop being resentful about the past and make the most of the present and the future.
You have wasted too much time on longing for something that wasn’t possible and in the process have lost precious opportunities for a happy home life.
Enough is enough Bridget. The good times lie ahead – go for it!
Best wishes, Maggie.