Like my new hero’s namesake, I pity the fools forced to endure festive fun
Like a party-pooping Pavlovian dog does the sound of Noddy Holder yelling “It’s Christmaaaaaaaaaaas!” trigger in you only bleak dismay? Are you already building a bank of resentment towards the colleague (it’s always the same one) who will suggest you wear a festive jumper – as if you even own one – to the office party in two weeks’ time? Well, I’ve found your new hero. And he goes by the name Mr T.
No, not that one. Mr
T is the pseudonym of the best person I’ve never met: a French man who has won the legal right not to be “fun” at work. Five years ago, he was rather shockingly sacked by his employer for not participating in the company’s boozy team-building activities and out-of-hours social events. In a move that will delight stick-in-the-muds everywhere, a French high court has ruled that Mr T had every right to abstain from organised fun, and can be as boring as he damn well pleases. His former employer even has to pay compensation. Oh la la!
This is the kind of news that delights someone like me because I am equal parts people pleaser and party pooper. Nothing strikes me with dread more than the phrase “office away day”, and yet historically I have thrown myself with gusto into every such occasion for fear of being considered a poor sport.
I have partaken in an office Olympics, which saw me run an egg and spoon race in Glasgow Green while a drunk guy hurled insults from the sidelines. I have witnessed a boss doing body shots from a colleague’s chest before throwing up in an ice bucket. On one Christmas night out I wore a blindfold while the same boss fed me and my colleagues random scraps of food. The ostensible winner was the first person to correctly guess what we were eating. But the true winners were the people who slunk home early and didn’t have to debase themselves in public.
It’s not that I dislike socialising with every single person I work with. I’ve met some of my best friends through the various jobs I’ve had, and I bet you have too.
We have remained pals beyond the workplace because we have more in common than what we do for a living. But on the flip side there are colleagues who have used the excuse of being drunk at a party to grope me or make offensive comments that would have had them sacked were they made in the office.
Why should we ever feel pressured into spending our free time in the company of people like that?
There is something to be said, of course, for occasionally piercing your social bubble and meeting people whose views differ from your own. For example, without office parties I’d never have met the guy who thinks all female singers and female comedians are, without exception, awful; a viewpoint I think of whenever coffee isn’t doing its job and I need a jolt of rage to wake me up.
However, as it has for many of us, the pandemic has illuminated for me the fragility of life and the importance of spending time with the people who really matter. I haven’t managed to completely shake the people-pleasing streak, but it’s nowhere near as strong as it was in the Before Times. These days, there would be a far higher chance of seeing me, the least sporty person of all time, compete in the actual Olympics than an office organised version.
And so as the festive season descends and the invitations roll in, I want you to think of Mr T every time the tug of obligation attempts to cloud your judgment. Learn how to say no to the things you don’t want to do, then phone your friends and plan something that will actually nourish your soul. Life’s too short to do it any other way. It’s a lot less embarrassing too.