The Easter Egg Hunt

The Sunday Telegraph - Sunday - - Country Matters - Vic­to­ria Mather stereo­types@tele­graph.co.uk

Ru­pert is fright­fully pleased with the fluffy yel­low chicken out­fit he bought on eBay. It has brought out his in­ner fowl. He is now mak­ing him­self look per­fectly ridicu­lous wig­gling his bot­tom and pre­tend­ing to lay Easter eggs. Mi­randa is so em­bar­rassed she has taken to the pros­ecco. Selina, whose guestly con­tri­bu­tion has been a re-gifted scented can­dle, thinks that if this is liv­ing in the coun­try, thank God she and Mar­cus are still in Clapham.

Char­lie has hit Jo­ce­lyn be­cause he found the gold Lindt bunny first

Good luck to Ru­pert and Mi­randa with the moss in the lawn, about which they banged on all through sup­per on Satur­day. Lit­tle Char­lie (who is a girl) and lit­tle Peta (who is a boy) are both in tears as Mr Chicken is too scary and clucks be­tween drink­ing Bloody Marys. Mi­randa, who has put a cut-out Easter bunny (pur­chased from Ama­zon, on­line shop­ping be­ing a pri­mary coun­try oc­cu­pa­tion) be­hind the hedge, was up at 6am mak­ing lit­tle nests of eggs out of Ru­pert’s shred­ded bank state­ments. These are now art­fully planted among the tulips at child level and all chil­dren have been given charm­ing bas­kets flut­ter­ing with green rib­bon in which to col­lect their lit­tle bombs of e-num­bers. Char­lie (who is, re­mem­ber, a girl) has hit Jo­ce­lyn (who is a boy) with her bas­ket be­cause he found the gold Lindt bunny in the helle­bores be­fore she did. Selina gives in to the pros­ecco to be­come the over-re­freshed guest won­der­ing whether the lamb, bred by the butcher at the farm shop, pos­si­bly nur­tured on Guin­ness and mas­saged by vir­gins at dawn, is over­cook­ing. She saw Mi­randa stuff­ing it with her own, home-grown lo­vage. This is be­cause no-one told Mi­randa that lo­vage, much of which she’s thank­fully now chopped, is a veg­etable gar­den thug and has Trump­ish am­bi­tions to take over the world. “We love it here at Bondage Farm: no ties, no beat­ing one­self up about traf­fic, no dom­i­na­trix park­ing war­dens. Happy Easter, ev­ery­one!”

There’ll Al­ways Be an Eng­land; So­cial Stereo­types from the Daily Tele­graph by Vic­to­ria Mather and Sue Macart­ney-Snape is pub­lished by Con­sta­ble

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