The voice of doom
Uncle Jeremy is the family’s Moaner in Chief. The world’s going to pot. It was never like this in his day. Yobs have vandalised the village war memorial. After he has written to The Daily Telegraph, he will be marching up the high street, armed with white spirit, to remove the disgusting words painted thereon. Respect: that’s what’s lacking in the youth of today. Over-indulged, overweight (thus a future burden on the NHS), and over here in Chipping Saintly, as if the fleshpots of Chavminster were not enough for them.
He’s read in the Woldshire County Press that a veteran’s poppy collection boxes were stolen in the shopping mall. Appalling! But it got on to Facebook – Jeremy is quite nifty on social media – and kind people replaced the money, so there is a shred of decency left. Not that you’d think it reading about the frightful Leftie – what’s he called? Aaron B’stard? – who wants the Royal British Legion to be shut down. He goes into the same drawer of loathing and hopeful comeuppance as the trolls menacing the family of poor Mrs Goring who whacked a hunt saboteur. Heroine, in his view. Bloody man frightened her horse.
Jeremy is of an age, and there is so much to be cross about that his daughter, Imogen, is worried about his blood pressure. Don’t get him on to Brexit, Trump, the BBC, Prince Andrew (“odious twerp”) or his grandchildren’s thank-you letters – nonexistence thereof. “And if they do write them or, God forbid, text, it is in a language that owes nothing to the expensive education I am funding. Since when did spelling and grammar become extinct?”
A watershed moment on modern education was when a team on University Challenge failed to identify the first lines of the most famous First World War poems.
BE – before email – Uncle Jeremy would have been writing furiously in green ink on lined paper. Today, the 100th anniversary of the Armistice, he will weep (linen handkerchief in hand) softly for his grandfather and his father, for what they fought for and won, and what has been lost, concluding that Angela Merkel is the only world leader with any balls.
‘Since when did spelling and grammar become extinct?’