MODERN STEREOTYPES

The Christmas organiser

Miranda has her Christmas List. It is longer than the M25 and much of it is stationary – but she has wrapped the presents, ordered the turkey, bought the serrano ham from Lidl (special offer, £29), made the sloe gin, bottled the chutney, heaved the tree decorations up from the cellar and stuck a Post-it note on the cat.

The Christmas cards were written in October so that they could confidently be posted second class. Only to friends abroad and ancient aunts – Miranda is not wasting good money on neighbours she will see at the Carol Service. Or should that be Carole service?

Miranda has been reading a great deal recently about Carole Middleton’s Christmas and feeling irked that she, Miranda, had not thought of having Christmas trees in every room in the house, probably including the loos (would those conceal little fir tree scent atomisers?). Miranda is going to stage a Carole comeback with fairy lights – no bowl of hyacinths, vase, poinsettia, mantlepiece, fourposter bed or table decoration is going to be fairy lite. That is the wonder of battery operated sets of twinkle from Amazon, which will drive her husband insane changing the AA – or are they AAA? – batteries from Christmas Eve to New Year’s Eve with a very small screwdriver that’ll constantly be lost.

The tree is tricky. Being ultra-organised, Miranda would like it to go up now but that risks needle-droop and even she cannot be as superhuman as the hotel elves at Cliveden who change and redecorate the tree overnight three times before Christmas. A “One just can’t get the staff ” reminder. She will allow her children to decorate the tree but then re-do it. It would never do for the CawballyStumptons and Lady Truncheon to think she countenanced tinsel. If only Miranda knew (because she has never been invited to Trunch Manor) that Lady T throws old tinsel on the tree she inherited from her mother in the Fifties and the angel was made by her gardener’s wife from a discarded Barbie doll.

She will allow her children to decorate the Christmas tree, but then re-do it